I get asked a lot of questions. I get asked a lot of similar questions. So why not answer them here? Then I can just point and say “Go Look!”.
1. My mother knows I’m dating multiple guys. She doesn’t know that I date people that are not guys, or people that are not guys by her own 1950’s biological definition. She doesn’t need to know that, but if she finds out, I’m okay with it. I figure she’s lived long enough to not have to deal with information that she may not really want (and my mother is the queen of denial – come on, after 5 months of living with my future ex-husband, she toured our tiny apartment with it’s one bedroom, and then asked me “well, where do YOU sleep?”)
2. No, I don’t make a living from speaking at BDSM events. I don’t make a living from any of my speaking engagements; in fact, after it all added up, last year I spent thousands on traveling to events, covering my expenses over the weekend, and doing crazy wild stuff like grabbing a $4 coffee from the hotel because I was groggy. There’s one major reason why this year I’m saying no more often. I really hate to do it, but there ya go.
3. Yes, you can ask my partners to play. No, I don’t mind (unless you have teh crazy in which case I’ll have a side talk with my sweeties, then deal with it, because it’s really their decision and not mine). They are fully aware of the information that I want, and I trust them to abide within whatever agreement they and I have set up.
4. Of course you can become a successful presenter! The real stuff that it takes? The guts to put yourself out there constantly and take risks (see: Lee Harrington), wacky charisma that leaves attendees at your classes wanting more (see: Graydancer), amazing teaching ability (see: Lochai), a willingness to talk honestly & compassionately about the really tough subjects (see: Mollena Williams), and the ability to gracefully recover from looking like a horse’s ass (see: me). Also, the ability to negotiate and beg for money, OR a lot of money so you can actually go everywhere that asks you.
5. Yes, I’m in alcoholism recovery. Yes, you can drink around me without me feeling uncomfortable. Yes, I will kick your ass out in a New York Minute if you’re drunk or obnoxious. Yes, I’d REALLY prefer that you ask me before lighting up some weed. And yes, I’d be happy to join you for a cigar.
6. Barriers for everything. Yes, really. No, not even if you’re tested and clean. Kthxbye.
7. My cats are like my kids. Really. I don’t care how pathetic it sounds. Call them anything derogatory or treat them callously, you’ll never come back to my house again.
8. I hate talking on the phone, for the most part, unless there is a serious reason for doing so. I don’t know why – I used to chatter for hours with friends on the Bell system. Now, it’s texting or quick calls, unless I’m out of town and just miss the hell out of you (in which case, you’ll know).
9. Yes, I am unashamed about my FarmVille habit. Please send free gifts.
10. Die hard liberal with a dollop of fiscal conservatism and an occasional streak of anarchy. Yes, I voted for Obama. No, I never voted for Ross Perot.
11. Please, yes, leave me with the illusion that I sing well. I still harbor a secret desire to win a Grammy or a Tony for my vocal stylings.
12. Speaking of which, Bette Midler and Madeline Kahn are my primary role models. Others of the “star” variety are Gilda Radner, Queen Elizabeth I, a few Catholic saints, Mother Teresa, and Sting.
13. “Coaching” is not my secret code for pro-domination. I’m a coach, business and personal (which does include BDSM but is not all that I do). I’m not a prodomme; I’d be happy to refer you to some great ones, though!
14. I limp because I was born with a disorder called Congenital Pseudoarthrosis in my left leg. I had a lot of surgeries in my teens, and was in a cast for years. Trust me, I barely notice the limping and often don’t even notice that I’m in pain for it.
15. …what questions did I miss that you wanted the answer to?
After teaching, presenting, writing, and practicing conscious polyamory for years, one thing that’s always bothered me is that there are no classes – and very little outspoken support – for people who choose to be monogamous in the sex positive & kink communities. In fact – some of the outspoken poly folk who like to talk about how much more “enlightened” they are than monogamous folk give poly a bad name. So…it’s about time I created this class:
Monogamy As A Conscious Choice
Are you committed to monogamy as a personal choice? In a monogamous relationship and part of a sex positive community, yet feel an unspoken judgement or pressure to be non-monogamous? Tried polyamory and found out it’s really not for you – but want to incorporate some of what you’ve learned in a different kind of monogamous relationship? Sarah Sloane, an experienced presenter on polyamorous topics, turns the tables & discusses monogamy from the perspective of choice, rather than default. She will talk about the many benefits to monogamy, negotiating your monogamous relationship, common challenges for monogamous couples & singles (especially within sex positive communities), and ways to strengthen both your relationship and your individual growth.
Interested in attending this class? Want to have me teach it at your event, store, or organization? Just drop me a line at sarah.sloane (at) gmail.com!
This class caught my eye on Fetlife yesterday, and I immediately put it on my calendar. The presenter, Blyss, is a woman that I’ve had the pleasure of chatting with about thoughts on service and spirituality, and I’m looking forward to her presentation. Please feel free to join her class next Tuesday, Feb 23…
Join Charmed Blyss in a delightful and informative discussion on providing spiritual service within a power exchange.
Spiritual Service: Enriching the Soul within a Power Exchange
Often overlooked in the frenzy to find the ‘one’, both dominant and submissive alike overlook the importance of a spiritual connection that supplements the power exchange relationship that is either already in existence or just developing. The subject is rarely broached in the initial stages of many lifestyle relationships, even though lifestylers find their religious or spiritual practices to be of utmost importance. This workshop address the importance of building a spiritual foundation within the relationship, whether the dynamic is polyamorous or monogamous, and how to establish that firm foundation from the beginning. Blyss will discuss ways of providing spiritual service/support to nurture the souls of all involved. A major part of the discussion will focus on establishing daily practices and rituals, focusing intent, and respecting spiritual/religious boundaries.
When: February 23, 9pm EST, 8pm CST, 7pm MST, 6pm PST
Where: Online conference space provided by Master Black Zeus http://www.hotconference.com/conference,87809253,private – Password is gifts
This is a don’t miss online workshop that you can enjoy from the convenience (and warmth) of your own home! I look forward to seeing you there.
Inspired by the question “What would happen if I wrote what I really think about something important?”, I decided that on March 15, I’m going to put up at least one blog post that will be about how I really feel – no pulling punches, no sacred cows (or chickens, or soybeans for that matter).
I was brought up to believe that my job in social situations was to always be pleasant, be the peacemaker, and never say “no”. And while there is a great place for it – I have let it keep me quiet too long and too often in my lifetime. So – March 15, I’m breaking with my own comfort zones…and I invite you all to do the same.
My own ground rules – and those that I hope that other folks who choose to participate – are to not air personal attacks against other people, and not to engage in hate speech. The point is not to get back against someone or something, or to belittle…the point is to speak plainly and honestly, without shame or fear.
If you plan to participate, let me know (via comments if possible) as well as give me a link to your blog, livejournal, or other writing website. I’m as interested in reading everyone else’s stuff as I am in writing my own! And please pass along the concept to others…let’s see what really does happen when we start to talk about the things we shy away from!
When I was in my mid 20’s, I first read a poem called “I Am Becoming” by Jayne Relaford Brown; at the time it was inspiring to me as I started leaving behind some of the parts of my life that I just didn’t know what to do with. But now, staring 40 in the face with a delight that I never expected, the words come back to me with a visceral impact that inspires me to laugh and cry, at the same time.
I offer these words to you, and today I’m grateful for the strong, powerful, lovely, amazing, brilliant women who are my role models as I enter my next decade…
I Am Becoming
by Jayne Relaford Brown
I Am Becoming
by Jayne Relaford Brown
I AM BECOMING
the woman I’ve wanted,
grey at the temples,
soft body, delighted,
cracked up by life
with a laugh that’s
known bitter
but, past it, got better,
knows she’s a survivor
that whatever comes,
she can outlast it.
I am becoming a deep
weathered basket.
I am becoming the woman
I’ve longed for,
the motherly lover
with arms strong and tender,
the growing up daughter
who blushes surprises.
I am becoming full moons
and sunrises.
I find her becoming,
this woman I’ve wanted,
who knows she’ll encompass,
who knows she’s sufficient,
knows where she’s going
and travels with passion.
Who remembers she’s precious,
but knows she’s not scarce
who knows she is plenty,
plenty to share.
…and a few updates!
I gave the inside scoop on some Valentines Day goodies to Ann Olsen, who wrote a fun article called “5 Safe Sex Gifts for Valentines Day“. Of my recommendations, she selected the Bwarm Massage Candle and Heartwood Whips’s floggers for her top five list. Check it out for more fun ideas!
On Facebook? I have a fan page! Come find me there & get quick notes & up to date info!
Finally, there is a lot of work that I have in store for 2010…and I’m excited to get started on it. Among other things, I booked the first part of a west coast trip in April for mid-month in San Francisco! More is coming, and I’ll be sure to let you know about it.
In the meantime…I hope that 2010 treats you kindly and brings you all joy & prosperity!
If you’re a member of FetLife, find out more here. You can also check the Galleria Domain web site here. I’ll be teaching a class on Body Care for tops & bottoms before & after rough play, as well as co-teaching a call called “Opposites Attract” with Jim from Chicago. Registration is very limited, and opens on January 4, so clear your schedule & get ready to sign up!
So, Tristan Taormino, America’s darling of feminist porn and all things anal (as well as the author of one of the most recommended books on non-monogamous relationships), asked me if I would kindly review a new vibe for her – the Lelo “Ina”, which is the brand new dual-sensation vibrator from one of the most sophisticated pleasure toy companies wordwide. And while vibes really aren’t my thing (see my warning lable, below), I said sure – I’d be happy to help out, since there isn’t much in the way of reviews out there, and I know people don’t buy toys unless they can hear how others like it.
Let me tell you – that was a very, very good decision on my part.
I fully expected that this review would be a run down of how Ina works, and some suggestions for how to use it. Instead, I’ll tell you that this exceeded my expectations amazingly! I have reviewed two other Lelo toys – the Gigi G-spot toy, and the Bob anal toy, and found both to be great. But a clitoral vibe, for me? Really?
Yes. Really.
Ina needed to be plugged in before I took her to bed, and it was fully charged in about 2 hours. It’s got similar controls to other Lelo vibrating toys, and once you get the hang of them, you’re good to go. A note – the instructions that came with my vibe still had the old name, “Lola” used in the text; don’t be concerned, as Lelo decided to rename the vibe prior to releasing it for sale in the US. I suspect that the printing had already been done, and will be corrected in the near future.
Once I turned it on…wow. I started on the lowest settings and quickly ran her through her paces before playing with her. Let me tell you, when I got down to business, settings 5-7 had me humming! They feel amazing – one feels like the toy is alive, working the main sensation point constantly while the clitoral stem buzzes with occasional heavy throbs against the clit (this was my “teaser” setting); yet another throbs back and forth between the two points, which gives just the right amount of stimulation that I need to go over the edge. I was pleased that it has as much strength as it did; it’s definitely a stronger vibe than the Gigi, but still not as massive a buzz as a Hitachi. I’ts got a great range of strength, too; the lowest settings are fantastic for people who just like a whisper of a vibration, as well.
I was thinking I’d end up using it more for actual penetration (in fact, I immediately thought “Oh, g-spot!”), but it wasn’t a good fit for me. However, it worked fantastically when I let the larger bulb nestle between my inner labia or slip just inside the vaginal opening, and I could angle it nicely in that position to get the clitoral end to stroke in a few great spots – which is a great change from my first “rabbit style” vibe which never did get the sensation happening in both areas in a way that worked for my body.
Because of the satiny surface, I found that I needed to use a little extra lube for it to feel really great. I also found that it was far easier for me to adjust the speed & vibrational pattern setting than I thought; by the third change-up, I could do it without having to think about it, and it became an intuitive and non-disrupting part of my play.
End result? I had a much better than average orgasm with Ina. Usually “vibrator orgasms” are short and sharp-feeling for me, which is why I stay away from them for the most part. Ina gave me a long, strong, and fuller feeling orgasm which was really fantastic for me…a rare experience with any toy, much less a vibrating one! So, what am I going to do with Ina now?
Keep her right next to my bed…where she belongs!
You can purchase Ina at Tristan’s website, PuckerUp. At the time of this post, it’s on sale for 15% off plus FREE US shipping, so you’ll get more bang for your buck.
Here are the specs:
As always, Lelo uses body-friendly materials in their toys – Ina sports a gorgous phthalate-free silicone coating over ABS plastic for easy cleaning & durability. It has 8 stimulation modes, a rechargable Li-Ion battery that (per their notes) runs for four hours on a two hour charge, and the dial is lockable to prevent “accidental” powering on in places like, oh, the security line at my local airport. Ina should be cleaned per the instructions (wash gently with antibacterial soap & warm water, do not immerse the recharger or control area), but I also think that it’s fine to immerse the business end ONLY in a 10% bleach solution if you’re using it on more than one partner (it can be covered with 2 condoms but that defeats the purpose of having two separate sensation places). Lelo offers a 1 year warranty for manufacturing defects, as well as a 10 year quality guarantee, and comes beautifully gift boxed in their signature discreet packaging, including charger & satin bag for storing your pleasure object.
My usual caveat with sex toy review goes something like this:
I don’t usually like vibrators. I’m pretty honest about that. I have tried a few that were pretty good but as a whole, they aren’t to my taste. I have my favorite things but they’re usually for me to use on someone else, not on me. So when I do a sex toy review, I am coming at it from a (mostly) non-regular user standpoint. On the plus side, if I like something, then I really like it. On the negative side, I haven’t got a zillion things that I’ve tried and enjoyed, so YMMV if you’re in that group.
My new article on the intersection of kink & spirituality went up today!
BDSM is rarely considered from anything other than its purest physical aspect; even rarer still is it presented as something other than a pagan or non-mainstream religious set of beliefs. But what happens when someone who has deep faith and belief in more traditional, conservative religion finds that their sexual interests don’t exactly fit in with that lifestyle?
I really enjoyed writing this article; hopefully it reflects the experiences of many of my friends and others in the kink community who have wrestled with the overlap of their sexuality and their religious beliefs.
Here’s an excerpt from the article…
“It’s difficult enough for many of us to reconcile the spiritual traditions and religious viewpoints that we carry with our modern views of sexuality: admonitions against masturbation, homosexuality, pre-marital and extra-marital relations pepper various religious texts, not to mention directives from various pulpits and sage advice from leaders of the faithful. While most current major religions espouse that a healthy sex life is an integral part of being a healthy human being, there is a wide range of definitions of what “healthy” might mean. While all agree on sex within a married relationship for procreative purposes, the rest of it is a bit blurry—even more so when we try to figure out what the consensus might be about kinky sexual behavior.”
Want to read more? Check it out here!
I’ve been waiting for this one!
Tristan’s take on sex toys? Right before the holidays? And for under $20 for a lovely, hardcover book? Talk about your timing.
