A big question that’s been going through my head lately is just how feminist the concept of female domination is. I have no conclusive answers, and I don’t even really have enough information to write much about it.
Some things I’ve pondered:
-Is the current fetish/BDSM image of the dominant woman primarly a response to the male gaze / men’s fantasies?
-Is female domination (in practice) mainly done at the service of men’s desires?
-What does a woman who internally prefers to be in the dominant role feel / model / do that is different from the more mainstream concepts of female domination?
-Do women who prefer to be in the dominant role find frustration when talking to other women about it? To men?
I’d really love your thoughts – as long as they’re not meanspirited or rude, post ‘em. If it goes into moderation (as most will), I’ll approve it as soon as I’m able.
I’ve had two abortions in my lifetime.
The first was when I was 21. I’d been sober for just over a year, and was in a relationship with a man that I’d eventually marry. I had no reliable employment (and neither did he), and was in early therapy for sexual abuse recovery. Saying that I was a basket case wouldn’t have been too far from accurate.
The second was within the past five years. I actually had thought seriously in the previous years that I wanted to have a child; I decided that I just wasn’t in a place in my life that I could raise a child. And with the medications I was on, and the lack of pre-pregnancy care (coupled with other physical issues), along with my financial status, I decided that an abortion would be the most loving act I could choose.
I don’t feel guilty, or ashamed. I thought long and hard about it; I talked with each of those partners and made the decision in concert with them (and yes, I was on birth control when both of those pregnancies happened). I knew then – and I know now – that it was the best decision I could have made, for everyone involved.
What I feel awful about is the shaming that happens towards those who contemplate or attempt to have an abortion. Finding correct, non-judgemental information is hard enough; finding the money to pay for it, and the transportation to get to one of the handful of clinics nationwide that still offer abortion can put it beyond the reach of many lower & middle class people.
What I feel guilty about is that I have not spoken out loudly enough about the right of all people to safe, respectful, affordable health care – INCLUDING pregnancy termination services. That ends now. Part of being sex positive is working towards sexual health, safety, and self-determination for everyone.
I’m donating money to both Planned Parenthood and NARAL. I encourage you to support them, or another organization that puts the focus on providing health care for low income women. I’ve also been sending emails to my representatives, both on the state and national levels, to let them know that I believe that any bill that strips away the availability of abortions – whether by outlawing the procedure or forcing unnecessary regulation on doctors, clinics, and patients – is unacceptable. And I’m talking about my experiences, knowing that I’m opening myself up to criticism, because it’s time for more of us to stand up and force society to see through the lies that the anti-choice movement spreads.
Lately, I’ve been either the participant in or the witness to conversations involving students at classes having serious questions as to the safety, accuracy, and reliability of the information that they’ve received in sex, BDSM, and relationship workshops. Stunningly, almost all of these have been days, weeks, or even months after the class – and none of these were directed the the educator themselves, but rather to other educators or within networking groups.
As an educator, the fact that these concerns come up afterward bothers me for a number of reasons, but the primary reason is that it robs the whole class – AND the presenter – of the opportunity to clarify & learn more effectively. No presenter is perfect, and no student hears everything the presenter says exactly how the presenter intends it to be heard; by asking questions, the presenter can clarify their message, and ensure that the actual content of what they’re saying is received accurately.
For this, and for other reasons, I want to draft a “Learner’s Bill of Responsibilities”. I know that there will be other great ideas, and I welcome them in the comments section; I just think it’s time that we talked about what the other side of the podium needs to do in order to create solid educational opportunities.
1. A learner’s responsibility starts with attending the class, as close to “on time” as possible. While not everyone can be on time, especially at events with limited break time between classes, showing up on time so that the class can start on schedule keeps the presenter from being rushed to cram 90 minutes worth of material into 75 minutes; it also shows respect for other class attendees who usually either must wait while the class is delayed, or are distracted by people coming into classes once they’ve begun. If a student must show up late, please be respectful when entering.
2. Learners agree to use their own experience and knowledge to evaluate the presenter’s information. No presenter can (or should believe themselves to) know everything there is to know about any single topic; often, students have a different experience, or look at the topic from a different perspective, or even know more about the topic than the presenter (which happens quite often). Those perspectives are valuable, and only by listening & thinking critically about the information can the student decide what is truly applicable to their own life.
3. Students have a responsibility to ask for clarification in class, or immediately afterward if in-class questions are not possible. Chances are, if one student doesn’t understand clearly, there are others who have the same problem, and the presenter may not realize that a communication breakdown has happened. Give everyone an opportunity to learn & grow.
4. Students have a responsibility to show respect for the presenter – not respect because the person is an “authority”, but respect because the presenter is taking the risk of standing up in front of a group of people in order to try to share their skills & ideas. Learners ideally come to classes to hear thoughts, learn skills, and listen to concepts that are outside of their own realm of knowledge; sometimes, that means that the ideas and skills presented are not to the student’s taste. Respect means that we don’t criticize the speaker on a personal level, even if we question the techniques and ideas themselves.
5. Students have a responsibility to give their feedback - good and bad – to the class or event organizers. This is usually the only way that organizers have to determine whether or not to have the speaker back again, and often is the only basis for offering a reference on the speaker by other groups.
What are your thoughts? What do you think learners responsibilities should include? Please share them!
It’s about time I gave away some sex accessories, don’t you think?
The comments on the contest post were really awesome…so awesome, in fact, that I could not pick a winner. Fortunately, two things helped with that:
1. I recruited some celebrity guest judges to help me: AliceSin Aerie (who writes at Fearless Press), MsZusa (HypnoDomme extraordinaire), and Tony (Contest Chair of Oklahoma Mr. Leather) – they helped me narrow the field.
2. The folks at Spare Parts were super generous…and I have EIGHT harnesses to give away!
So, without further ado, the winners are…
Genevieve
Gigi
HS
Jinx
Kristen B
Michael
Sean aka Sorrow
Spoonfed Kitty
And a special pink harness is going to pony, whose comment was the overwhelming first choice of not just the judges, but other readers and our friends at Spare Parts!
Thank you all for participating – this was one of the most fun contests I’ve ever run, and really – nothing makes me happier than giving out free stuff 
1. I cannot abide being called “Mistress”. Can. Not. Stand. It. It’s like fingernails on a chalk board to me.
2. If a submissive says “I’ll do whatever you wish”, then I’ll have them re-grout the tub while I sit around and read a book.
3. The sexiness of giving me a tribute from a yarn store is negligible (to the submissive, at least…for me, it’s the height of respect and affection).
4. I physically cannot wear high heels, and I hate to have my feet worshiped. I doubly hate to have my toes sucked. It feels like someone’s flossing my toes with a piece of raw liver.
5. I don’t beat people to punish them. I ignore them. And I don’t always reward behavior. I evidently got the whole “A job well done is it’s own reward” ethic a lot better than the folks that raised me anticipated.
6. It’s *work*. I’d have to leave the house, dress up nicely, pack the toys, and then do it all in reverse after an hour or two. I’d rather stay home & knit.
7. I’m a cheapskate. I’d only buy my fetish wardrobe from thrift stores or during 80% off sales, and those things are almost never going to happen.
8. I don’t have the work ethic needed to be a successful pro dominant. If you know any successful pros, you know that they work far harder than most self-employed people do, and get far less respect.
9. I want to keep my amateur status, just in case the Olympics ever adds a BDSM Triathlon.
10. I’d have to shave my legs more often – and we won’t be having any of that!
Who wants a new strap on harness? Or their first harness, ever? C’mon. You know you do. Or your best friend, lover, occasional fuckbuddy, coworker, or parent does!
I have a top-of-the-line harness to give away, thanks to Spare Parts. I’m not telling you which one yet – but I will guarantee it’ll be in your size, AND I may even give you a choice of style or color! These harnesses are amazing – incredibly stylish construction, sturdy, comfortable, and easy to clean. If you’ve never tried one out…oh, then you’re definitely in for a treat!
Between now and Tuesday morning (Feb 8th) at 9 AM Eastern time, everyone gets a shot at it. All you have to do is tell me, in the comments section, why you want it. Persuade me. Tell me why you, of all the people in the land, deserve to get it. Give me a funny story about how crappy your current harness is, or write me some good free verse poetry about how badly you want it.
I’ll select a few secret judges to help me pick out the winner…and once we pick it, I’ll ship it out to you so that you can hopefully get it on Valentines day!
So enter, darn ya!
*Disclaimer: I can’t afford to ship this to Canada or overseas, but will be happy to accept a non-US winner, if they’ll pay shipping on it! Also, if you don’t leave a valid email address, I can’t get to you, so make sure you do that, ‘k?
***2/3/2011: EDIT – So far, the donations are over $200 – mostly because so many of you donated more than the $13 suggested! THANK YOU! The upshot? I still have a bunch more books that are waiting to find new homes – and Speak Up can certainly use more funds. So? I’ll keep going – and am revising the goal up to $400! If you haven’t donated already – please consider doing so today!***
Speak Up! is a media training weekend for current and former sex workers to empower them to take control of their interactions with the media; it gives them the skills to target their messaging, understand and drive media interactions, and become more effective communicators in the realm of advocacy & activism. The past two years, Speak Up has done some amazing things; they’ve empowered attendees who have been thrust into the limelight to create a more realistic dialog about sexuality and sex work, they’ve created public service announcements about sex work and harm reduction, they’ve brought together people who have gone on to start other efforts to further educate and create change for sex workers…and much more.
Speak Up! is run by Audacia Ray and Eliyanna Kaiser, and is funded through Sex Work Awareness and the Red Umbrella Project – exclusively through private donations. It takes money to make it happen – and to help attendees who cannot afford to come by assisting with travel and offering a stipend for incidentals. Tied Up Events is doing a fundraiser in NY – but since I’m not there, I’m doing a little fundraiser here.
Audacia wrote a book called “Naked on the Internet: Hookups, Downloads, and Cashing In on Internet Sexploration”. I happen to have a box of them here, at my house. And if you donate at least $10 plus $3 postage, I’ll put one in the mail to you, along with a few safer-sex goodies I have here, as a thank you for your donation.
Interested? Just paypal me (the button is to the right, or direct to payments (at) equilibrium consulting . com) with your name, mailing address, and I’ll send it out to you. I’ll also send a note of your donation to the folks at Sex Work Awareness & Red Umbrella Diaries so that they can thank you, as well! If you’d rather not paypal me, feel free to email me and I can give you alternet methods of payment.
My goal is to raise $200 for Speak Up. I hope you can help!
I’ve been listening to three conversations in the past week (one spurred by one of my favorite email lists) about labels. People who want clarity of meaning from them, people who want to rework and reclaim labels that they choose, and people who use them as reasons to opt-in or opt-out of a conversation have been speaking their thoughts. And it’s gotten me thinking about how I use labels – both assigning and understanding – and how they both limit and inform. I’ve been wondering how integral to me that they are, and as a result, how much I let my labels define or speak for me. And most of all, I’m wondering what the internal effect of living with those labels is, and how much it either frees or limits me.
So…I’ve decided to challenge myself to live without labeling my sexuality, gender, or relationship orientation(s) for a week. I’m leaving anything on this site “as is”. But everywhere else? I’m going to pull the references and see if I can go a week without referring to them. I’m curious about what the effect of removing labels would be for me – not necessarily socially, but in my own concept of myself.
We’ll see how successful I am…
Today, my friend, role model, and favorite adult director Tristan Taormino announced that Oregon State University, which scheduled her to keynote at their Modern Sex conference in February, retracted their invitation because of concerns over her website & resume.
For those of you who don’t know Tristan’s work, she’s written and edited over two dozen books, spoken at more colleges than I can count (many of them Ivy League-caliber), and has produced an incredible body of articles for publications such as the Village Voice, where she worked as a columnist for years. She’s also…an adult film director & producer.
Now, I can’t see why they’d object to a published (and widely acclaimed) author speaking to college students – so my only guess is that, because she is involved in the adult industry, she’s been demoted to “not professional enough” to speak about sexual empowerment. Which is odd, because her work in her movies (and not just her Expert Guide series, but her Rough Sex & Chemistry series as well) promotes the values of ethical, healthy, self-directed sexuality – choice, consent, honesty, and of course, pleasure.
Mainstream culture has a hard enough time with basic sex education – we can’t even decide how we will tell our children and teenagers about sex, pregnancy, non-heterosexuality, and STI’s. It saddens me tremendously that our culture marginalizes sex-positive educators who actually know about the realities of sex in the 21st century, preferring instead anti-sex, anti-empowerment educators whose guidance starts and ends with “keep your legs shut until you’re married”.
Please read the press release on Tristan’s website, and if you’re so moved, send an email to the administrators listed there.
Edit: Other responses include one from Shanna Katz, another popular sex educator on college campuses around the US.
I’m finishing preparations for my new Strap-on play class, and as a part of my research I’ve been talking to a lot of people about harnesses, and getting creative about how they can be used. I’ve been a fan of two, in particular – The Sportsheets plus-size harness for it’s amazing size range, stability, and quick clean up, and the SpareParts Jocque harness, because it’s sturdy, comfortable, great for packing, and makes everyones ass look amazing. SpareParts has a few other harnesses that I wanted to check out, and so I test drove the Theo harness to see how it handled.
Pros:
-Expected high quality from SpareParts – sturdy seams & attachments
-Washable fabric, so you can clean it easily. They recommend hand washing, but gentle cycle in a mesh bag may work for you. Do *not* put it in the dryer – just hang it up to dry.
-Comfortable fabric front with split rear panel keeps the toy base from being directly on the skin, yet allows for dual-pleasure toys like the Share and Feeldoe dildos to be used with it.
-Totally snap-adjustable thong means you can comfortably wear it high or low (there is an extra loop of snap strap that you can use if you need an extension – it’ll be attached to the hip strap when you get your own Theo).
-Amazing size range – my slender cismale partner and I (with my hippy body) could wear the same harness, and I had no binding around my curves. Bonus? The size B fits my size 16 hips with enough room to put an extra person INTO the harness with me, so I feel comfortable recommending it for people looking for a good fit in the larger size ranges.
Cons:
-The loop that connects the pouch to the thong strap is a little iffy looking, and makes the bottom of the pouch bunch up a bit (which could be fun if it’s near your clit or perineum, but where I usually center my harness, it was a little bulky)
-Same as usual concern with the fabric covered ring – over larger silicone toys it can be a challenge to get in (though I saw a video showing how the user could cover the toy with a bit of plastic wrap or grocery bag, which allows it to be pushed through the ring easily & the bag pulled off for use – which is a cool new trick for me!).
-Not quite as stable for me as the Jocque for more vigorous play – I prefer having the lower “under-ass” straps for hard thrusting.
-Really wish it came in more colors – black and pink are nice, but damn I’d kill for this in green or camo!
Summary:
This harness is going to become my go-to for play when I’m doing less vigorous thrusting or getting head. It comfortably rides both low and high, and will be great for packing when I feel a bit more femme. I likely won’t be packing with it when I’m wearing jeans, as the thong is less comfortable for me under the center seam of my Levis and I prefer the way I feel wearing the under-ass straps of the Jocque when I’m in jeans & boots. Overall? Based on the fabric thong-type harnesses on the market, this is the absolute best I’ve used.
If you’re shopping at Mid-Atlantic Leather’s vending area this weekend, I’m almost positive you’ll see this at a few of the vendors tables. Check it out, try it on, and see what you think!
