I usually give up something for Lent every year (obviously, I’m not quite as much of a lapsed Catholic as I thought). This year, I gave up F**mville. Yes, really. It was chewing tons of my time each day and I was letting it. I figured that taking a break from it would be good for me…and lo and behold, it was. I think I’ve spent a whopping two hours on it since Easter – and really feel little need to go back to it.
My new project for the year is to go 30 days without something and see how it works out for me. Currently, I’m off of sugar (refined & unrefined, but allowing myself to have fruit, agave, and “fake” sugars). I’m surprised at how my body is handling it – I feel much better than I did before and so far I’m actually dropping a few pounds, which is unexpected, after four months of working out consistently with zero weight loss, but welcome.
I’m finding it to be an exercise not only in mindfulness but in creativity. When your habit is to reach for the keyboard, or not pay attention to what the ingredients list says, you don’t have to think anymore – you just do it without any conscious consideration of the impact on your body and mind. The mindfulness I’ve experienced goes well beyond
And on my list for future 30 day withouts? Reading fiction (in order to focus on nourishing-for-my-brain nonfiction). Eating meat. Driving (that one is going to be HARD). Negative self-talk. Engaging in gossip or criticism. Things that will help me clear out some of the things that I know are blocking me; things that I suspect may be causing my life to be a little less healthy than it could be otherwise.
Then, perhaps, I’ll go for some 30 day “withs”.
These are my BDSM / Leather / Kink “classics” … the ones I loan to others to read, the ones I still pick up to answer questions or to find inspiration. These books all came out either before I came into the leather community, or during my first few years…and while they certainly aren’t everyone’s “must read” list, they are my personal favorites. If you haven’t gotten to some of these titles, pick them up – they will round out your “basic” knowledge of the foundations of the alternative sexuality community. And while not everything that you will read here is as advanced or perhaps as relevant today as it was at the time of it’s writing, it’s helpful to a full understanding of where the community has traveled in the past half decade.
Basic Physical Technique:
-Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns – Phillip Miller & Molly Devon
-Learning The Ropes – Race Bannon
-The Topping Book & The Bottoming Book – Janet Hardy & Dossie Easton
-SM 101 – Jay Wiseman
Fiction:
-The Slave (and the rest of the Marketplace Series), Laura Antoniou
-The Sleeping Beauty Novels, Anne Rice (writing as A. N. Roquelaure)
History / Sociology
-Leatherfolk – Radical Sex, People, Power & Practice – Mark Thompson
-Coming to Power: Writing & Graphics on Lesbian S/M – SAMOIS
-Different Loving – Gloria Brame
-Urban Aboriginals – Geoff Mains
Relationships / Advice:
-The Leatherman’s Handbook - Larry Townsend & John Preston
-The Loving Dominant – John Warren & Libby Warren
-The Sexually Dominant Woman – Lady Green
-Miss Abernathy’s Concise Slave Training Manual – Christina Abernathy
(Note: these are linked to my Amazon affiliate account; if you choose to order through this, I will get a few cents commission. However, I *highly* recommend that you shop at your local bookshop, your favorite sex positive store, or your preferred BDSM book & merchandise vendor – without your support, these stores won’t exist, and as a community we need to keep them flourishing!)
Image from Simax105 on Flickr
I’ve decided, as part of my efforts to get my body moving more often, to do my first 5K walk on June 25 in Chicago. It’s called “Proud to Run 2011“, and includes both a 5K & 10K run as well as a 5K walk; it benefits the Pride Youth Program of LINKS as well as the Gerber/Hart Library. Registration is $25 – $30 depending on what course you plan to take, and registrants get a commemorative teeshirt (yay for teeshirts!).
I’d love to walk with a group of other kink positive folks – perhaps with everyone wearing a black teeshirt, or a leather pride flag… If anyone is interested, drop me an email or comment here and let me know. If there are enough people that want to, I’ll figure out a way to coordinate & meet up that Saturday morning.
I think it’s important that all of us who identify as a part of a sex positive community – whether it’s leather, kink, poly, or whatever – stand together to help raise funds for charities that seek to help other communities succeed. Whether you are able to participate in this event or not – please look for ways that you can support other parts of our alternative sexuality communities, and do so proudly!
(As a disclaimer: I am not in any way affiliated with this run, or any of the beneficiaries – it just looked like a great way to break my “organized walk” cherry along with being able to get funds to some worthwhile organizations)
So, for years, we’ve heard that it’s possible to spread Herpes Simplex Virus 2 (aka Genital Herpes) without being symptomatic – but a sizable number of attendees at my classes (as well as people who email me) have asked what the real risk of transmission is between HSV-2 positive people who have outbreaks and those who don’t. Researchers at the University of Washington just published the results of a study that clarifies just that. In short:
“Long, tough-to-tell story short, people with herpes that manifested with sores were twice as likely to shed contagious amounts of virus particles as infected people without symptoms. But in the study, which lasted about two months for each person, genital herpes virus was detected at least once in 68 percent of those free of symptoms. For symptomatic people the figure was 83 percent.”
Note that these people did not take Valacyclovir (a medication which helps prevent outbreaks for people who test positive for HSV-2), which will minimize transmission even further. And since the viral shedding was determined from genital swabs, and not by actual transmission, it does not take condom use into consideration. So, in a sense, they tested people who knew they were HSV-2 positive but were not on a medical regimen for treatment.
So what can we learn from this study? In short, knowing your status is key, because medication & barrier use can reduce the potential for transmitting it to others. If you are HSV-2 positive, talk with your doctor and take care of your body; Valacyclovir, coupled with stress reduction and overall health improvement, can better help your body deal with the virus. If you have a partner with HSV-2, encourage them to seek out medical treatment if appropriate, and take general precautions to avoid transmission. And know that even though many people feel shame (which is also reflected in most of the social information that we get about herpes), having HSV-2 is not a shameful state of being – simply one that requires that we evaluate our health, and negotiate with our lovers, from a point of strength and knowledge.
(The above quote was taken directly from Scott Hensley’s article for National Public Radio)
1. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you – don’t talk shit in social media or mass emails about events, shops, or people that want you to work with them. Even if you think they’re out of their noggins, or they have iffy ethics, you’re better off not bitching about them publicly unless it’s a need for a community alert – in which case, you’re best off gathering your allies (and proof) before you put it out there.
2. Don’t ask someone else for their work in order to help you make a buck, unless you’re willing to pay them for it. This is like Microsoft asking Apple to give them their source code for one part of their OS without offering anything in exchange. Many people are happy to give out information to colleagues for free – but be mindful of what it means to ask for someone to share their work with you.
3. If you can’t find at least one positive thing to say about someone, keep your mouth shut.
4. Get beyond your own bias as much as possible. Stop using terms & concepts* that reinforce sexism, racism, ableism, gender & orientation judgments, and negativity towards people based on their sexual activities (or lack thereof). If you don’t know whether your words may be problematic, ask. If you’re corrected, accept it graciously & adjust your future behavior.
5. Just because someone is active in some part of the sex industry or is engaged in alternative relationships doesn’t mean that they’re interested in doing anything physical with you. Please use the same consideration & tact when communicating with them that you’d want someone to use with your younger sibling.
6. Stop begging for stuff for yourself. It gets old. Likewise, stop guilting your social network into donating money to a charity or political cause. And if you want to support a cause, check them out carefully before you add your name to the effort; you may be very surprised at what you find. Not every sex positive charity is doing good work in the world.
7. If your name is in the forefront, work in the background sometimes. It’s a great reminder of what the real work in the community is; activism is just as much (if not more so) about taking out the trash after an event as it is about giving the keynote.
8. If you’re going to try to speak for any part of any community, you’d best have a background in that community first. If you want to be a leader, spend some time learning the ropes. If you want to be an educator, you need to learn as much as you can and remain teachable. Anything else is a disservice to the people whose lives you’ll be touching – not to mention to yourself.
9. Cultural appropriation is real. Ask yourself where the symbols & techniques you’re using originated, and who used them before you found out about them. If you don’t know, then find out before you go out & use that technique or symbol again.
10. Honor your forebears. Give credit to the people that you learned from. Nobody got to where they are without help; remembering those that helped us and being grateful for it keeps us humble.
*Some of these terms that I’ve heard (and in some cases, been called out about thoughtlessly using) in the past few years: breeders, chicks with dicks, clean (as opposed to “STI negative”), crazy, fags, girls, hos, vanillas. While some problematic terms such as “slut” or “queer” are sometimes used in the sense of reclaiming them, be aware that the context & audience is most of what determines whether it’s positive or negative.
Back in ’99, an essay entitled “Take a Dip in the Reality Pool” started making the rounds on the internet – and I, the impressionable cynic that I am, leapt for joy. I was fortunate to have seen this about the time that I realized that something about the concept of “twoo submission” rankled, and I am grateful that Screamer Girl wrote it & shared it. I’ve checked around in the bit of spare time that I have, looking for a current website for this article – but haven’t found it. I wanted to post the whole thing here, with her copyright intact, but since she starts it off with “Don’t even think about using this without my written permission”, I won’t. I will, however, give you a brief teaser from the article; I highly recommend giving it a read on this older site (yes, it’s in comic sans, and yes, you’ll have to highlight it to read it, but it’s worth it).
“14. You really don’t need another flogger. What you need is a new microwaves and a pair of hundred dollar tennis shoes for your teenager. Know when to say when to the toy bag.
30. Sometimes, a fuck is just a fuck. A beating is just a beating. And a kiss is just a kiss. Enjoy it, remember it, and move along.”
In my quest (and yes, it’s a quest, folks) to find better lubes to recommend, I came across what might be the holy grail for butt play: a thick silicone lube. I have dreamed of one…and after whining about it online, my friends at MyPleasure sent me a complimentary jar of Pjur Power Cream to test out. So, without further ado, here are my thoughts:
Pros: Thick, and stays put where you put it. Awesome lube for all toys except silicone (because, as we remember, silicone lube & silicone toys don’t mix). Great for fingers in butts. A little dab’ll do ya!
Cons: Have to “dip in” to the jar to get lube, which increases the chances of cross-contamination. Formula has propylene glycol, which some people may find irritating to vaginas, as well as two preservatives to which some people are allergic. Doesn’t stay slick as long as thinner Pjur lubes do. My tester (who usually uses liquid silicone lube) did not like it as much for masturbation, as it required frequent re-application.
Conclusions: If you’re looking for a silicone based lube that will give you better results with anal toys, this is a great choice. This will be easier to apply than a drippier silicone lube, and has a bit more staying power. If you’re looking for a masturbation lube, there are other choices (especially if you like to go for a long time, or use a lot of thrusting / friction). If you own mostly (or only) silicone toys, this shouldn’t be used with any of them, so you may want to go with a water based lube instead.
A big question that’s been going through my head lately is just how feminist the concept of female domination is. I have no conclusive answers, and I don’t even really have enough information to write much about it.
Some things I’ve pondered:
-Is the current fetish/BDSM image of the dominant woman primarly a response to the male gaze / men’s fantasies?
-Is female domination (in practice) mainly done at the service of men’s desires?
-What does a woman who internally prefers to be in the dominant role feel / model / do that is different from the more mainstream concepts of female domination?
-Do women who prefer to be in the dominant role find frustration when talking to other women about it? To men?
I’d really love your thoughts – as long as they’re not meanspirited or rude, post ‘em. If it goes into moderation (as most will), I’ll approve it as soon as I’m able.
I’ve had two abortions in my lifetime.
The first was when I was 21. I’d been sober for just over a year, and was in a relationship with a man that I’d eventually marry. I had no reliable employment (and neither did he), and was in early therapy for sexual abuse recovery. Saying that I was a basket case wouldn’t have been too far from accurate.
The second was within the past five years. I actually had thought seriously in the previous years that I wanted to have a child; I decided that I just wasn’t in a place in my life that I could raise a child. And with the medications I was on, and the lack of pre-pregnancy care (coupled with other physical issues), along with my financial status, I decided that an abortion would be the most loving act I could choose.
I don’t feel guilty, or ashamed. I thought long and hard about it; I talked with each of those partners and made the decision in concert with them (and yes, I was on birth control when both of those pregnancies happened). I knew then – and I know now – that it was the best decision I could have made, for everyone involved.
What I feel awful about is the shaming that happens towards those who contemplate or attempt to have an abortion. Finding correct, non-judgemental information is hard enough; finding the money to pay for it, and the transportation to get to one of the handful of clinics nationwide that still offer abortion can put it beyond the reach of many lower & middle class people.
What I feel guilty about is that I have not spoken out loudly enough about the right of all people to safe, respectful, affordable health care – INCLUDING pregnancy termination services. That ends now. Part of being sex positive is working towards sexual health, safety, and self-determination for everyone.
I’m donating money to both Planned Parenthood and NARAL. I encourage you to support them, or another organization that puts the focus on providing health care for low income women. I’ve also been sending emails to my representatives, both on the state and national levels, to let them know that I believe that any bill that strips away the availability of abortions – whether by outlawing the procedure or forcing unnecessary regulation on doctors, clinics, and patients – is unacceptable. And I’m talking about my experiences, knowing that I’m opening myself up to criticism, because it’s time for more of us to stand up and force society to see through the lies that the anti-choice movement spreads.
Lately, I’ve been either the participant in or the witness to conversations involving students at classes having serious questions as to the safety, accuracy, and reliability of the information that they’ve received in sex, BDSM, and relationship workshops. Stunningly, almost all of these have been days, weeks, or even months after the class – and none of these were directed the the educator themselves, but rather to other educators or within networking groups.
As an educator, the fact that these concerns come up afterward bothers me for a number of reasons, but the primary reason is that it robs the whole class – AND the presenter – of the opportunity to clarify & learn more effectively. No presenter is perfect, and no student hears everything the presenter says exactly how the presenter intends it to be heard; by asking questions, the presenter can clarify their message, and ensure that the actual content of what they’re saying is received accurately.
For this, and for other reasons, I want to draft a “Learner’s Bill of Responsibilities”. I know that there will be other great ideas, and I welcome them in the comments section; I just think it’s time that we talked about what the other side of the podium needs to do in order to create solid educational opportunities.
1. A learner’s responsibility starts with attending the class, as close to “on time” as possible. While not everyone can be on time, especially at events with limited break time between classes, showing up on time so that the class can start on schedule keeps the presenter from being rushed to cram 90 minutes worth of material into 75 minutes; it also shows respect for other class attendees who usually either must wait while the class is delayed, or are distracted by people coming into classes once they’ve begun. If a student must show up late, please be respectful when entering.
2. Learners agree to use their own experience and knowledge to evaluate the presenter’s information. No presenter can (or should believe themselves to) know everything there is to know about any single topic; often, students have a different experience, or look at the topic from a different perspective, or even know more about the topic than the presenter (which happens quite often). Those perspectives are valuable, and only by listening & thinking critically about the information can the student decide what is truly applicable to their own life.
3. Students have a responsibility to ask for clarification in class, or immediately afterward if in-class questions are not possible. Chances are, if one student doesn’t understand clearly, there are others who have the same problem, and the presenter may not realize that a communication breakdown has happened. Give everyone an opportunity to learn & grow.
4. Students have a responsibility to show respect for the presenter – not respect because the person is an “authority”, but respect because the presenter is taking the risk of standing up in front of a group of people in order to try to share their skills & ideas. Learners ideally come to classes to hear thoughts, learn skills, and listen to concepts that are outside of their own realm of knowledge; sometimes, that means that the ideas and skills presented are not to the student’s taste. Respect means that we don’t criticize the speaker on a personal level, even if we question the techniques and ideas themselves.
5. Students have a responsibility to give their feedback - good and bad – to the class or event organizers. This is usually the only way that organizers have to determine whether or not to have the speaker back again, and often is the only basis for offering a reference on the speaker by other groups.
What are your thoughts? What do you think learners responsibilities should include? Please share them!
