I’m quite pleased to finally find some upscale bondage accessories that I can recommend for people who love the feel of being tied up, but crave the subtle sensuality of silk and satin. I was especially happy to find these, because my new “Personal Restraint: Bondage for the Bedroom & Beyond” class will debut at Good Vibrations later this month and I can use these as suggested options for class attendees!
Steven at Lelo was excited to have me test these out – and I have to say, Lelo totally surprised me with them. I’m used to seeing bedroom bondage toys that are either poorly made or have cheap clasps & use chains & fittings that are easily bent or broken…not so, in Lelo’s case! I’m happy to say that I loved both the Boa Pleasure Ties and the Sutra Chainlink Cuffs!
Boa ties are definitely going to be a staple in my toy bag; their 41″ (105cm) length makes them perfect for cuffing partners and attaching their ankles or wrists to the bed (or around a chair, or holding them in your hands while you tease their bodies, or….well, you get the picture). The tapered ends are filled with pearls, which makes them perfect as over-the-door restraints. All you have to do is wrap the ends around your partner’s wrists, adjust the D-rings to fit them perfectly, and then lay the weighted ends over the top of the door; close it, and they’ll keep your partner in place while you find all sorts of amazing ways to stimulate their bodies. Bonus? The Boa ties are gorgeous, soft to the touch, and a sensual experience all by themselves.
The Sutra cuffs are delightful; soft lining with a satin overlay, and moderately-sturdy chain & links to keep them snug. I wouldn’t use these for strong bondage or with someone who is going to pull hard against their restraints; the fabric, while comfortable for mild to moderate tugging, may pinch nerves for something more intense. However, for tease & denial play, light bondage, or just a bit of kinky sex, these are PERFECT. Again, Lelo’s fabric choices make these amazingly sensual, and the chain and clasps will hold up well for many delightful romps. They come with a strip of satin between them; perfect for holding onto your partner’s cuffed wrists while leading them into the bedroom, or looping around the bed pole, or perhaps even giving them a comfortable way to have their arms held behind their waist while you feed them … well, whatever it is that you want to feed them.
They aren’t in many shops yet, so if you want them in a hurry you may want to order directly from Lelo, or ask your favorite sex positive shop to special order them for you. In the meantime, you can dream up dozens of ways to use them…and tease your partner with your fantasies!
Sex Educator Sarah Sloane Hired by Pleasure Chest
Well-known authority on sex and relationships will manage Chicago store
Jul 01st, 2011 02:19 PM
CHICAGO — The Pleasure Chest, one of the nation’s original sex toy boutiques, has hired a new manager for its Chicago store: well-known sexpert Sarah Sloane, who has worked as a sexuality and relationship educator for more than a decade.
Based in the Washington, D.C., metro area, she has taught hundreds of classes for sex-positive, BDSM, and relationship-oriented organizations and events throughout the US, Canada, and overseas. She also has spent the last four-plus years as a sex educator and business consultant for a variety of sex-positive retailers nationwide.
Since 1971, The Pleasure Chest has helped its customers exercise their right to pursue sexual fulfillment, providing them with a fun, educational and specialized experience. The company is known for supporting the communities in which it is based, and it promotes sex education to its diverse customer base with its team of sex specialists.
In a statement, the company noted, “As we approach our 40th anniversary, we believe that Ms. Sloane will play a vital role in advancing our mission, while deepening our engagement with the Chicago community. We are thrilled to have her aboard.”
(You can view the press release on AVN’s website here)
An article just popped up on SFGate’s website that assures us that vibrators are legal in your carry-on & checked luggage- as well as a few other items that aren’t so obvious! Pop on over to the original article…then come back here to read a little more.
Some helpful hints for traveling with your sex & kink toys:
-Check the TSA website & make sure that none of your toys are specifically on the list of prohibited items. Needles, especially in quantity, are a no-no in carry-on bags but are fine in checked baggage. Knives should always be checked. Your Hitachi, however, can ride shotgun with your paperback novels in your carry-on.
-Your (high quality) piercing jewelry should not cause a problem. You may want to swap out for smaller / non-metal jewelry, or use titanium instead of steel, in order to have it less obvious, however, you should not need to remove any piercing jewelry without exceptionally good reason. I’ve walked through with eight rings and one barbell and had no worries, and have friends with 00 gauge genital piercings never get pulled aside…so I promise you, it’s okay!
-Print out the list of prohibited items and tuck it into your bag or your passport case. I’ve had this save my bacon once or twice over the past few years; often, the rank-and-file security screeners may not know all of the ins and outs of what’s permitted. If you’re challenged on anything, you can pull it out & show them (politely). If you feel that you’re in the right, then ask for a supervisor (again, politely).
-Know what is illegal in various jurisdictions. A friend was arrested at an airport a few years ago for packing a blackjack (a lead-cored leather weapon), which was illegal to own in the county the airport was located in. You’ll especially want to check on any police or military paraphernalia, as well as any laws around knives. In general, though, floggers, paddles, whips, and rope are all legal.
-Make sure that when you take bottles of lube with you, they don’t leak. The flip-top bottles are my travel nemesis – they always leak in my bag, so they either stay home or I tape the lids & pack them in a plastic sandwich bag. This is actually a perfect use for the sample size “pillow packs” of lube that many stores sell or give away as promotions…if you’re not planning on anything that requires more than an ounce or so of lube, they are discreet, sealed, and take up very little room in your carry on. If you put them in your carry-on, make sure that you follow the same rules as you would with shampoo, mouthwash, and lotions.
-Don’t be a jerk to the TSA folks. Wearing your massive metal chastity device or a steel butt plug through security may be a hot & sexy fantasy for you, but nobody from the TSA wants to have to pull you aside & frisk you. Don’t involve them non-consensually in your sex life. And yes, nobody likes the search process, but if you’re kind to them, they will generally be kind to you in return.
-If security staff asks what something is, tell them honestly what it is – it will save you the barrage of follow-up questions that you’ll get it you’re obviously lying. If you’re traveling with anyone that you’d be uncomfortable hearing (or seeing) what you’ve got tucked in your bag, you might want to let them go WAY ahead of you in the security line, or pack it in your checked luggage (and yes, that means if you and your boss are traveling together to a conference, you may want to be a bit more discreet about your “Big Johnson Rotating Vibrator with Swivel Feature”).
I’ve added a few books to my “need to read” list – one of which I happily downloaded on Kindle two days ago, and one of which I am waiting to order.
The first book is “Life, Leather, and the Pursuit of Happiness: Life, history and culture in the leather / BDSM / fetish community” by Steve Lenius. Mr. Lenius has been active in the Minneapolis/St. Paul leather community since the mid-1990′s, and for 15 years he has penned the Leather Life column for Lavender Magazine. His thoughts on the community expand beyond the usual topics of definitions and events; I was personally pleased that, in the introduction, he describes why he expanded his initial definition of the leather community to include pansexual, heterosexual, and other kinky folk that may not otherwise “fit” into the (then) commonly-accepted definition of community. I’m only a chapter into this book but already I’m enjoying it tremendously (I think, when I get a paper copy of the book, I”ll shelve it next to Robert Davolt’s “Painfully Obvious” as a study in contrast & comparison).
Second is a book that I just got word of a few days ago. A gentleman that I have had the pleasure of working with in the past, and a well respected colleague in the sex education field, Dr. Richard Wagner (who some of you may know as Dr. Dick), has finally released a book that he hinted about a few years back: “Secrecy, Sophistry, and Gay Sex in the Catholic Church“. Rev. Wagner is the only Catholic priest with a degree in Human Sexuality; his 1981 groundbreaking thesis “Gay Catholic Priests: a study of cognitive and affective dissonance” (which is re-printed in the second part of this book) sparked outrage at all levels of the Catholic Church, and brought his ability to minister publicly as a priest to an end. In his book, he speaks out about not only the church establishment’s reactions to his attempt to openly talk about gay men in the priesthood, but also contrasts it with the cover ups and defensive reactions of the church as it was forced to deal with the long-hidden abuse perpetrated by clergy over decades. I was pleased to have been able to read the forward, and will be ordering my copy of it as soon as I can!
For the first half of 2011, Dr. Ruth Neustifter has been the brains & brawn behind a unique offering – a group for sex-positive professionals. She’s included one-on-one coaching, group “open office” sessions, and an amazing curriculum covering a wide variety of topics to help both new and seasoned professionals (and those on the path to becoming one) improve their skills & business practices.
Yesterday, Dr. Ruthie announced the big news – I’m joining the group as a co-facilitator! While she will be continuing her amazing curriculum as well as some fantastic expert interview available to group members, I will be offering the monthly individual coaching sessions and the Office Hours. I cannot begin to express how honored and excited I am to be working with some amazing minds (some of which I’ve known for years!) – and how much I’m looking forward to growing right along with our group members.
If you’re a sex positive professional from any part of the spectrum, and you’d like to check out the group for yourself, please visit her website for info! Prices will be going up in July but if you get in right now, you can join up at the current rates…so check it out asap!
No, not the “Over 60″ kind of maturity, where you get discounts on early bird specials and overpriced theater tickets. I’m talking about the kind of maturity that allows us to have the kind of sex, love, and relationships that we want – and that are healthy for us.
Sexually mature is about being responsible for our own pleasure – making sure we ask for what we want and communicating with our partners on how we can make it happen.
Sexually mature is about appropriate boundaries – we understand our limits, we can say no to what we don’t want, and we can say yes to what we do. It’s also about enforcing those boundaries, to the extent that is possible, and speaking up when they’re crossed.
Sexually mature is about being mindful – we do not feel the need to constantly drown out sex in a river of booze or haze of smoke, and we work to be present when we’re being intimate with ourselves or with other people.
Sexually mature is about being fair – we don’t use sex (the act of sex, or the act of withholding sex) as a weapon, a bargaining chip, or a punishment.
Sexually mature is about being responsible for our health – we are tested regularly if we’re non-monogamous, we negotiate barriers & safer sex with our partners, and we understand how our bodies work and what activities could cause problems.
Sexually mature is about being teachable – we regularly read new information about sexuality (even if it’s not about our own experiences or interests) to keep ourselves thinking and exploring new ideas.
Sexual maturity isn’t about an age…there are people under 18 who get these concepts, and people over 50 who don’t. Sexual maturity isn’t about income, or race, or gender, or orientation, or any other defining demographic. Sexual maturity IS about taking responsibility for ourselves, our actions, and our part in our relationships. It’s about joyfully living with our sexuality, rather than being ashamed of it.
It’s very, very rare that I find something that’s actually new when it comes to toys & accessories – this week, I’ve found out about two, and while I haven’t had my hands on either of them (YET!) I wanted to give them both a shout out. As always, they’re from small companies where creativity & quality are prized, and they’re both from companies that do a lot of giving back to the communities that they serve.
Tres from Spare Parts dropped me a note earlier this week and mentioned that the brand new PETE UnderWear are now available! I heard about PETE a few months ago in conversation with Tres, and was thrilled – underwear for people that like to pack (for those of you that aren’t hip to that terminology, it means people who like to wear a “packing penis” in their pants). There are four styles, ranging from very slim & trim jock strap to briefs to a boxer brief style – and they all offer secure, comfortable options for how you pack. I’ve got guy friends out there who have been bemoaning the options that they have had for years, and I’m really excited to see these hit the market! Oh, and by the way – they are drop dead sexy. You can purchase them at Babeland, Good Vibrations, and the Pleasure Chest Stores. And do me a favor – once you get your own PETE, come back here & let me know what you think of them!
The other bit of exciting that I wanted to tell you about is a merging of two of my favorite things – sex toys and vintage glass. I love the small collection of carnival & depression glass that I have…antique glass (especially from the early 1900′s) has a sense of style, beauty, and whimsy that calls to my heart. Now, Crystal Delights toys has created a brand new line of anal plugs that are calling to a whole ‘nother part of me! They’ve taken their gorgeous glass plugs, and rather than crowning them with crystals, they’ve added a beautiful piece of vaseline glass to finish it off in a truly unique way. Vaseline glass became popular early in the last century, and it’s lovely under normal lighting – but when exposed to black light, it glows a gorgeous green! You can take a look at the pictures here – but you’ll have to wait a few more weeks for them to be added to their website!
Earlier today while talking with an amazing writing colleague, I decided that a great way to describe non-professional sex educators would be to call them “Lay Educators”. While it was initially just going for the pun (and I, as a cunning linguist, must always go for the wordplay), today I’ve been thinking about just how important the concept of “Lay Education” is.
Let’s face it – most people will never walk into a class on how to use a condom, or how to stimulate a G-spot, or what the variety of sexual experience can look like. The majority of people will not get more than three or four books in their lifetime about sexuality, and only one or two of those books will be realistic and sex- and pleasure-positive. So who reaches those people? Friends. Relatives. Lovers. Coworkers. Ministers. In short – lots of people who have tremendous influence and are not professional sex educators. And those people wield a tremendous amount of influence.
Each of us can be an amazing sex educator. We may not ever have our name up on the list of the top ten non-fiction bestselling authors; we may not ever be invited to lecture at an Ivy League school or teach at a widely-known sex shop. We may never have more than 100 followers on Twitter, and may never blog or write about sex. But we have a chance on a regular basis to talk about sex and share our knowledge with others. When friends talk about why they can’t connect with their new partner in the bedroom like they want to, we can share what we know and suggest other resources. We can listen when someone we love talks about their frustrations over how their body doesn’t work the way they want, and we can help them find the nerve to talk to a doctor about it. We can let people know that it takes all kinds of sex to make the world go round, and chances are that even if they think they’re not normal, the chances are that they’re more average than they ever knew.
We can talk about our own truth – our exposures to STI’s, our failed sexual experiements, the ups and downs in our libido, our pregnancy scares, and our coming to terms with who we are as sexual beings. We can create safe space for our friends and family to share their own stories. We can laugh with them, cry with them, and hold their hands through the rough spots. We can give ourselves – and them – a chance to be real, and to identify with others about things that society tells us that we shouldn’t talk about.
And that doesn’t require a degree, or a business card, or a website. It requires a heart and a mind.
I love doing what I like to refer to as “subversive sex positivity”. It’s the integrating of sex, gender, and orientation-positive concepts into our daily language and actions. It’s the act of informing people about alternative gender and sexuality without preaching (or often even explicitly telling them). It’s the process of normalizing things that most of our culture does not see as normal, simply by treating them as such. And it’s a great way to carry the message of healthy sexual expression out into the world in ways that don’t target us. I’ve made a list of some of the ways that I’ve seen others do this…
1. Ask people what pronoun they prefer, what they refer to their partner as, and how they label (or choose not to label) their relationship. Even if the answers are exactly what you expect that they’ll be, by asking them you show them that you respect them and wish to use words and phrases that are appropriate and welcoming – and you may even end up with them asking you WHY you said that, which gives you a chance to talk about non-normative sexuality & relationships.
2.Separate gender and sex. “He” does not necessarily have a penis, and “She” may not have a vagina. Using terms like “girl parts”, especially around people who may be transgender or non-gender normative can leave them feeling left out and disrespected. And before you say you don’t know anyone who is trans…how do you know you don’t?
3. Use correct terms. It’s a vagina, a vulva, a penis, a clitoris, a prostate, a scrotum. There is plenty of room to use slang terms, but when we’re trying to be clear in our communication, using accurate terms helps.
4. If you’re corrected about something sex or gender related, apologize and move on. If you say “he” and are told that the person with whom you’re speaking prefers “she”, then just say “thank you for telling me” and use the pronoun or name that you’re asked to use. Most people are happy if you do your best to use their preferred names or pronouns (especially if you knew them when they were going by another name), and an apology and a renewed effort to be consistent is the most respectful thing you can do.
5. Make no assumptions. Just because someone has a penis doesn’t mean they like to use it to have sex, or even like it touched. Just because someone has a vagina doesn’t mean they want to be penetrated. Not every gay man likes to receive anal sex. Not every woman has problems with orgasms. Not every man is able to have them in the way that our culture says they should. Allow people the space and room to define their own desires, and the support they would like (if any) in speaking out about it…as well as their right to privacy, should they not feel the need to tell you.
6. Even if you don’t “get it”, don’t shame it. Many people who are happily monogamous don’t understand on a personal level why or how someone can have multiple relationships. Some people don’t understand how anyone could be attracted to someone of the same gender. And some people don’t understand how anyone could be happy having missionary position sex. You don’t have to understand it – but ideally, you will choose to respect their choice and support them in it.
Dear young, beautiful woman on the cusp of her leather walk:
Please, no matter what is said about the place of women (particularly of heterosexual women) in the traditional leather community, remember that we must live in the reality of the moment. There are voices that call for a return to segregation, a limiting of options, a re-defining of “who qualifies”. And for people who lived in our community as it was decimated by disease and invaded by the internet age, that is a real concern, a real challenge. It speaks to a desire for the “older days” – where there was limited access, a more closed community, and a grittier perspective of what leather was about. The problem is…we can’t go back.
Heterophobia is something that I have encountered in the mens community for a long time; even as recently as my run for IMsL in 2009, I had a few men turn their nose up at me when they found out I enjoy fucking men. However, there have ALWAYS been women who have been keys to the community – including bootblacks. One of the first women I knew in the community that had a national presence was Michael Anne, a past IMsBB; one of the next women I met was Mama Connie who is so highly respected that it’s not even believable. I met Vi Johnson in 1999, and that meeting changed my perspective in profound ways. Just hearing about Jo Arnone, Queen Cougar, Jill Carter, and Glenda Rider gave me shivers – to know that there were so many strong, active women for me to look up to. These are women that give to the community – and that are respected, treasured, and loved by thousands upon thousands.
Yes, there is an issue about using one’s name. I made the decision to use my legal name after about six months in the scene, and mostly due to the men in my leather club. Being a leatherperson is not something I am ashamed of, and I am in a position in my life where I do not have to worry about my name being linked to the community in a way that would be detrimental (no family, no kids, and many supportive friends). I would NEVER tell someone in those positions that they should not use a scene name, but I would ask them to consider the overall effect of a scene name when it comes to them reaching out to others. In some cases, let’s face it – it’s a detriment – but how much of one depends entirely on how each person handles it. Too many people treat this like an SCA or RenFaire environment – and that’s fine, but for so many of us it is the absolute opposite of our truth. Leather is about our lives, not about a role.
What makes someone welcome in the community? It’s their willingness to open their heart and mind. It’s their willingness to challenge their assumptions, and to be responsible for their words and actions. It’s their willingness to offer respect to other people, and to listen to their stories and learn from them. It’s their effort to follow the etiquette of the community, and to truly work to understand the why’s and wherefore’s of that etiquette. It is not to blindly follow; it’s not to just show up, fuck, and leave. It’s about who you are, how you live out your leather life. It’s about your ethics. It’s about your sense of service to the community, your willingness to step forward and do what needs to be done.
You, my sweet, are right there. You may not have the polish of someone who’s been bootblacking since God was a child, but you have the heart and mind of a leather woman, and THAT means that you are welcome. Beyond that – it means that you have a RIGHT to the place you hold in the community. And your work is important – and your work will pave the way for others. You cannot possibly do anything that could ruin the community. You can only add to it, with your knowledge, your love, your respect, and your spirit.
With love and respect,
Sarah
