Every sex educator I know has gotten the question “so, how did you get started doing this?” at least a hundred times. Unfortunately, our answers rarely seem to be the answers that people really want to hear. What they wish we could say is that there is a defined “career path” for sex ed folks; that we all went to college and got Bachelors degrees in Hot Sex Making, then got a Masters degree in Teaching Hot Sex Making. Alternatively, I think they’d like for all of us to have sprung, fully formed, from the heads of Kinsey, or Masters & Johnson. Unfortunately, there are very few universities that offer any degree in sex education or counseling, and often what makes us easy to relate to & learn from is the fact that we don’t use a lot of psychological or medical jargon.
So, in an effort to give readers a real feel for the kind of work that is in sex educators backgrounds, I sent an email out recently asking people what their first job was. Please…read ‘em and weep (laughing, of course)!
Audacia Ray: “I was a horse-crazy kid (and a bunch of other sex educators were/are too – that’s another story entirely!), so all I wanted to do was be near horses. I spent all of my teens working on horse farms – first mucking stalls, feeding, doing barn chores (I even learned how to drive a tractor!), then I became an exercise rider and eventually trainer and riding instructor for kids. I even spent a few summers traveling and teaching horseback riding. The year after I moved to New York, I spent the summer in Manhattan, Kansas (aka The Little Apple).”
Barbara Carrellas: While Barbara started acting at age 14, she says she wasn’t always paid – so she defaults to babysitting as the first paid job. Of course, as smart and talented as she is, she quickly graduated to stage managing…and then, took over the world.
Jacq Jones: Jacq tells me that her first job – at 3 years of age! – was as a model…and she modeled until she was 12. Her first “grown up” job was waitressing – and then she moved on to the Executive Director & Lobbyist for Common Cause in MN.
Lee Harrington: “Though I held a burger king job for about 4 months, my first “real” job at the age of 16 was as a receptionist at the Wizards of the Coast Game Center in Seattle, WA. Wizards of the Coast are best known as the makers of “Magic: the Gathering,” the collectible card game that became affectionately and hatefully referred to as “Gamer Crack.” I was lovingly bombarded with a constant stream of Conan the Barbarian soundtrack music, while I would sit in my white shirt, black vest, black trousers, boots and slicked back hair underneath a 8ft tall Minotaur head. Giant beady eyes, they stare at me. Between calls and answering sweaty gamers questions about Robotech and Vampires, I would paint Warhammer miniatures for the store.
The Game Center was open 364/5 days a year… we were open new years eve, Christmas day, it was a tad crazy. But, on special event days where I was working head reception, I would wear 6″ silver stilleto heels under the desk. I will have to say this for me and my co-workers… some of us were a kinky lot. Warhammer measuring sticks made for mean canings, and one of my back alleyway blowjob partners and I are still causing trouble in the scene together 15 years after meeting through our gamer dorkiness.”
Midori: “My first pay for work was by a Japanese literary magazine for translation of an English nursery rhyme. My mother was a contributor and, if I remember correctly, the editor must have thought it would be delightful to have the well-known scholar’s bilingual daughter do a child’s translation of a piece meant for children. I was about 7 or 8 years old. The publisher paid me the same fee as an adult contributor and gave me a copy of the magazine. I have no idea what I spent the money on, but I know I was thrilled. To this day, when the publisher’s checks arrive, I’m thrilled – although the proportional work to pay ratio has changed considerably since then.”
Princess Kali: I don’t have a print quote from her, but she did disclose to me that her first job was at a McDonalds. I’m guessing that they didn’t let her wear her tiara, those jerks.
Reid Mihalko: “…my first true, file a W9 job was working at the Brown University cafeteria -the Ratty- to help pay for books and tuition. Then I worked for the Teamsters humping freight during the graveyard shift one summer, and, eventually, I began working security and barbacking at a local Rhode Island bar where I was finally given cultural license to talk about sex with strangers.”
Richard Wagner, PhD (aka Dr. Dick): “I was a Catholic Priest. Does that count as a first job?” (He’s serious, folks!)
Shanna Katz, M.Ed.: “My first job? I had two actually. A combo of working 15-20 hours a week in a theatrical costume and make-up shop named Disguises, and teaching Hebrew at Sunday School for my temple. Odd? Yes. The Disguises job I got because I was a total theatre nerd, and love love loved anything to do with it. Being able to work with costumes, teaching people how to apply Ben Nye and Mehron, playing around with fake blood (I went home feeling like Lady MacBeth more than once), trying on outfits and wearing them to staff events? It was fabulous. Making $6/hr and occasionally working 9+ hour shifts (oh so illegal, as I was 15 at the time) wasn’t always the greatest, but being able to get a 20% discount on products I wanted was pretty awesome. I worked there for almost a year until I graduate HS at 16 and headed to college.
On the other hand, Sunday School Hebrew was a hoot. I was too agnostic to teach the religious studies part, so they stuck me teaching Hebrew to the advanced 4th graders. Now, little kids love me, but I’m not so big on children, so going here on a weekly basis to teach a langauge I couldn’t speak fluently to 8 and 9 years olds was always interesting. Good thing I’m more patient than I thought I would be…and my advanced group wound up out reading any group of 4th graders in the history of the temple, and got bumped up to the 6th grade Hebrew reading group. It was a good way for me to be involved with my Jewish heritage without actually attending temple, which I wasn’t really into at the time. Like the Disguises job, I kept it until I was 16 and headed to college.”
Sarah Sloane (me!): “My first job was at a shop called “The Fudgery”, in Richmond, VA. We made fudge on big marble top tables, and had “Showtimes”, where we sang and made bad puns and poured & turned the fudge until it was solid. I was 16, working with a bunch of art school nerds & queer folk from VCU, getting a paycheck, and learning about The Big World. It was also my first lesson in public humiliation – there’s nothing like singing, at full volume, to total strangers, songs like “It’s a grand old fudge, it’s a high-flying fudge, and we want you to try some today…it’s the emblem of the work we love, the home of the weird and the crazed”.
Sometimes, it gets a little old to me. I feel like I talk about so much about sex, but have so little of it, that I’m a fraud – an educator who is all talk, no action; who can’t do, so she teaches. The sad thing is that many of my friends who are long-term sex educators, sex workers, and performers all commiserate about it.
“How many of you are convinced that your customers have more sex than you do?”, I asked at a recent event held at a very sex-positive shop. Every one of the half-dozen staff present raised their hands.
“How often do you have kinky sex?”, I’ve asked my perverati friends. Some of them are getting it on, all the time; others confess (yes! confess!) in quiet voices that they have “vanilla” sex almost exclusively.
So, when I went through two years of libido coma, it didn’t occur to me that something was wrong. Really. I was teaching over 100 classes a year (which, while it looks great on the resume, is pretty craptastic on the free-time front). Of *course* I was too tired to be creatively kinky, especially from the top side of things. I was traveling too much to maintain much in the way of relationships.
And after sharing – nay, preaching – about the importance of personal boundaries when it comes to sex work of all kinds…imagine my shame and shock when I realized that I’d been screwing myself over for two. bloody. years. I let things that hurt push me back into the cavern of my sexual isolation – the loss of relationships and lovers, the stress of travel, the fear of being vulnerable, the ease with which I avoided possible entanglements involving lube or toys. And what I ended up with was feeling distanced not only from my lovers and from people who I really do like and really do want to play with…but also, feeling distanced from myself.
I started talking about kink & sex because it was such a valuable part of my life; a part that I’d shredded, examined, processed, raged at, ragged about, celebrated, denied, and reinserted into my psyche in my late 20’s. Empowering my own ability to be a sexual being, guiltlessly kinky and joyfully queer, turned out to be one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. My self esteem took a ride up to the Mile-High Club when I realized that I could actually be externally who I was internally without being afraid of it. So, when this all took a back seat…I started feeling like a bit of an automaton. Like someone who talked the talk, but didn’t walk the walk. And that meant…time for a serious talking to with myself, and some reprioritization.
But like many minor miracles…the one step of saying “that’s it – I’m done with this bullshit” started making the changes happen. Within weeks, I found out my libido had shaken off the scent of the mothballs that it had been packed in, and was off on its own making sexy play plans with folks. Don’t get me wrong – I’ve had to push it a little. I made a decision to engage in some sort of play with someone at every event that I’ve been to this year, and so far, I’ve been quite (suprisingly, to me) successful at it. And the play has been good – really good. I feel released; I feel more in touch with my whole body and my libido than I have in a very long time.
Lesson acknowledged, Universe. Don’t become so focused on what I am that I forget about who I am. Gotcha.
Yes, this is the ubiquitous Rabbit vibe - it’s cute, it’s friendly, and it gets some folks off like a rocket. Even the Sex In The City ladies love it. The shaft twists to give you the ride of your life. The pearls at the base twirl and spin to stroke the g-spot area. And the bunny? Well, bunny’s ears wiggle and dance to stimulate the clitoral area and the labia, making you want to keep this rabbit in the hat where it can do some good! O Magazine called this the Rolls Royce of vibrators…and some Rabbit Habit owners would sooner give up chocolate than their bunny! 
Love U Parties carries the updated Rabbit vibe…this one is made of body-friendly TPE, and the beads are made to move freely without jamming up. We suggest water based lube with it, and it cleans up easily with soap and water or toy cleaner (though please, don’t immerse it – you’ll kill the buzzy bits!).
Want it? Want it for FREE? Make any purchase between now and July 31 from me, either in person, via email, or at my website, and I’ll enter you in a drawing for your very own Rabbit Habit! I’ll pull one name from all purchasers on August 1, and will ship the toy right out to the winner. Please note that the purchase has to be made in one of those three ways, otherwise I won’t have the info and can’t enter you in the drawing. Also, to answer the inevitable question – yes, I do mean ANY purchase, of any size, qualifies! And yes, you do get entered each time you make a purchase, so if you make two separate purchases this month, you’ll be entered twice.
Any other questions? Just ask! In the meantime – go visit my shop & see what’s new!
Ok, those of you with prostates? Listen up. I’ll only say this once (today, anyhow). Prostates can be a lot of fun to play with. Of course, we’ll call this one “Prostate Health” so you feel like you’re taking care of your body (which, really, you are, because this toy can help with not only prostate health issues but also with improving the muscles surrounding it), but there’s no reason that you can’t do something healthy AND fun for your prostate, right?
The Prostate Health plug is a great little toy with lots of extra added benefits. The firm silicone is not only healthy for your body (unlike the rubber or jelly toys that are out there), but it’s also curved to fit in your rectum without discomfort. The head of the toy is shaped so that it puts a bit of pressure directly on the prostate, and the neck has ridges that help you tighten and release around it without it popping out. The base is long enough to get a grip on for insertion or removal, but narrow enough that it doesn’t push the buttocks apart and feel uncomfortable. And bonus? There’s a zippy little bullet vibe that you can insert & remove as you please, which gives a little added zing to your prostate play.
How do you use it? Lube it up with your water based lube of choice, then slip it in. Relax and start tightening and releasing around the toy. Breath deeply, or use some breathing techniques borrowed from your tantric or yogic practices. Enjoy. Repeat. Easy peasy. You can also put this in place before & during masturbation or other sexy fun time and enjoy some back-door stimulation along with the up-front stimulation!
The cost on this little gem is $60 (includes the vibrator). The pleasure? Priceless.
Okay, so I haven’t really posted much in the past few weeks other than my Tuesday’s Toys…I’m sorry folks! I’ve been crazy with the traveling, so I’m doing the best I can.
I had a great time at Twisted Tryst last weekend in Wisconsin – I actually got some play time in, and had some amazing connections with folks. I had a Love U Parties table there, as well, and my top seller (by a big margin) was our Love U Wand! In fact, a few people came by and said “I heard you had a mini-hitachi here”, so I guess that it was getting some great buzz around camp (pun FULLY intended).
The Love U Wand is petite – less than half the length of the big massagers, and small enough to slip into your bag or backpack. It’s got a dial control, so you can get any level of vibration you want. My magic wand-using friends have said that this is just about as powerful, far quieter, and they like that the sensation can be targeted more easily because of the size. It runs on 6 AA batteries, is phthalate free, and washes up in a jiffy.
Bonus? There are even attachments! These high quality silicone attachments come in a package of two different shapes for only $28, and give you a bunch of new ways to explore your body with the Wand…these babies fit into all your nooks and happy places. Pick them up with a Love U Wand and rev up your bedroom this summer!
This is the one toy that bends over backwards to make you happy! The Twist wand is totally unique – it has two ends with two different shaped heads, each one with it’s own vibrating motor with seven different settings, letting you customize it perfectly to the stimulation you want! It’s also a fantastic toy for use both solo and with partner(s); the ability to twist the shaft to create a 90 degree angle lets you get a better angle, regardless of how you want to use it. You can set the two vibrating ends to the perfect “shiver” setting and use it on two different areas. As a bonus? It’s rechargeable, so no hunting for batteries! As with all Love U Parties toys, the Twist is free of phthalates and other substances that can irritate our bodies. This little baby retails at $125, but as a party host (yes, online parties count too!) you can get it at 50% off. Even better? Become a Love U Parties Independent Consultant and MAKE money from it!
So, it’s not a sex toy. But it is one of my favorite items from our new Love U Desire – Tempt – Excite catalog! These Pride Dog Tags are enamel on metal with a 28″ long bead chain (so you can shorten it as needed, depending on where you want it to hang…). These are available this week, and are perfect for Pride Month as well as all year long! Choose Bear Pride, Gay Pride, or Leather Pride – or get them all to help people cruise you at your favorite haunts and parties. $20 each.
(This is a golden oldie from a few years back that I found languishing in my drafts folder; it struck home with me yet again when I re-read it, so I decided to go ahead and post it for you all to enjoy… -ss)
The past two weeks have been an exercise in recognizing and respecting my physical limits. You see, I was working for a gentleman of my acquaintance, tasked with prepping the floor and applying self-adhesive vinyl flooring. In the course of said prepping, I turned my back in a way that triggered a very old issue with my sacrum and…well, that’s all she wrote. I was almost unable to move without considerable pain by the next morning; by the time Saturday rolled around I hadn’t been able to leave the house for 2 1/2 days and the pain wasn’t being touched by anything I had on hand. I went to the doctor and choked up the fee, and was given the appropriate medication to help relax my spasming muscles and allow me to experience less pain. “Slow down, and take it easy”, she said as we left her office. 
It would be an understatement to say that I rarely do what I’m told. I pushed myself a few times, and paid the price. A week after the doctors visit, we moved into our new home, and during the last week and the move itself I kept trying to be an active part of the work. I felt guilty that I couldn’t do my fair share. I felt annoyed with myself, irritated that something as stupid as pain was keeping me still. So, of course, I kept getting up, kept trying to move things around and such. Sunday morning, I woke up with more pain than I had experienced in days.
My lesson was obvious -pushing myself past healthy boundaries and ignoring the signs that my body and mind give me leads to more pain than I actually needed to experience. And it amazes me how often I find myself doing just that – pushing myself to accept more, do more, BE more than I am without regard for my own well being. I over commit myself and berate myself when I can’t follow through as I’d like. I try to lift boxes that are too heavy for me to lift without injury. I emotionally take on pain from others without taking care of my own issues first. I procrastinate, then expect myself to pull off super-human levels of work in the final minutes, only to punish myself when it’s not done as well as I would like.
It takes years, decades even, for many of us to learn how to set, and honor, healthy boundaries for ourselves. And often, we catch ourselves believing that we should have “arrived” at a certain point in our journey, and that we are at fault if we aren’t there yet. But to listen to our bodies, our hearts, our intuition when they tell us “slow down” is likely one of the most valuable lessons that we can possibly use.
Silicone lube is amazing stuff. It’s very body friendly – it doesn’t create or exacerbate allergies, and can be used by people with very sensitive skin. It stays slippery for a LONG time. Seriously, a long time. It also stays slippery in watery environments (it’s sex in the shower season, after all). It works great with condoms, and is totally awesome for both vaginal & anal use, as well as a great JO lube. Bonus? It doesn’t take as much silicone lube to do the job as it would if it were a water based lube, so your lube will go a LOT further (important to know, because otherwise the price difference may send you into sticker shock). Do you know what else you can use it for?
-A fantastic lubricant for shaving that leaves your skin smooth and soft
-A quick skin conditioner for dry hands, legs, and elbows (seriously – my fave Crabtree & Evelyn lotion has silicone as a major ingredient!)
-A great hair smoother – yes, I do use it on my curly hair and it makes it shiny & soft, and smoothes down the frizzies.
-An awesome way to reduce skin friction in shorts season (think upper thighs!)
The one thing we don’t want you to use it for is as a lube with silicone toys; silicone lube can bind with the toy material and degrade (potentially ruin) your spiffy, sexy toy! (As an aside…while some silicone toymakers say that their materials can stand up to it, we suggest doing a “test patch” at the base or another part that doesn’t have body contact to make sure).
Love U Silicone Lube is $28 for a whopping 4 oz. bottle…and summer is the season where having Silicone lube makes a lot more sense (what with all the slippery fun you people get up to!). Order it directly from my website. OR – pick out a few other items totaling $60 or more, and I’ll give you the silicone lube at half off! Just email me if you want to get in on that deal (which will expire on 6/15).
I just read a blog entry written by my friend Jacq Jones (owner of Sugar, an amazing sex shop that is woman owned & women/trans operated in Baltimore) where she talked about some of the information that came out yesterday at the International Microbicides Conference. One startling finding in a recent study was that some lubes are linked to an increase in the transmission of STI’s (in particular, Gonorrhea & Chlamydia, which were the two tested for in this study) through anal sex. The short version is that apparently lubes with glycerine & higher levels of salts have the potential to actually increase the possibility of infection…for the long version (and her “take away lessons”) check out her original post on Sugar’s blog. And Jacq? Thanks for sharing this important info!
