Do I think everyone should be out? Absolutely. Do I think that’s in any way realistic? Not a chance in hell.

The reality is that it’s painful to be out about a lot of who we are. Stating that we’re kinky, queer, trans, or any other sexual or gender minority could potentially cause the loss of a job, a lover, a family, or one’s own life. Some of my trans female friends are (very rightfully) scared of being outed, as many transwomen have been killed by people who were threatened by their presence and their embodiment of self gender determination. Some of my kinky friends are very cautious about who they talk to and how they share their information, as their activity in the BDSM & Leather communities could cost them custody of their children or their job security. These are real issues – and sadly, the rest of the world has not caught up to the concepts of self-determination in one’s sexuality or gender identity.

Unfortunately, until we reach a tipping point of people who are out about all of these things, we won’t see any change. The groundswell of gay men & lesbians “coming out” in the 1970′s and 1980′s was, first and foremost, a radical social act. By forcing those around them to acknowledge the reality and authenticity of their lives, these men and women presented a public face of queerness; no longer could society say “Oh, those gays, you know they’re all pedophiles” without putting forth an image of your awesome Uncle Mike who taught his niece how to ride a bike, or Ms Jones down the street, who always brings food to shut ins in the neighborhood. They put names and faces on the terms “gay” and “lesbian”, at the cost of their own safety and security, and made it increasingly impossible for a minority of human beings to live in a state of marginalization. The rights that we have today were fought for, tooth and nail, by all of these people and their friends, families, and allies, standing up for their right to be treated equally.

My fear is that, until society sees enough normal-looking people who acknowledge their sexual or gender minority status, we won’t see any changes. When kinky people are constantly demonized as freaks who care little about themselves (and even less about their sexual partners), we can’t expect that society will see us as compassionate parents and competent members of that society. When the only images we have of poly folks are cult-type polygamist figures, we can’t expect that people will see relationships that involve more than two people as healthy, mutually-respectful ways of creating a family. When society’s only idea of trans bodies is that of street-based sex workers and self hatred, we cannot expect that transmen and transwomen (as well as those who do not identify as part of a gender binary) would be treated with respect and compassion by health care workers & law enforcement agencies.

We have to stop passing as hetero-normative. We all have to decide how we can, in some small way, come out. It may be just telling our friends, or disclosing our truth to a potentially sympathetic family member. It may be talking to our doctors about what we do, and demanding accurate healthcare based on medical fact, not social fear. It may be walking down the street, hand in hand with all of our lovers. It may be emblazoning our truth on tee-shirts and flying a flag announcing our reality. And if we cannot do those things, our only way of “coming out” may be talking with our dollars, by supporting organizations that help to end discrimination against sexual & gender minorities. But regardless – if we care about whether the next generation of people have the ability to insist on their rights, we have to start fighting for them.

Because, in the end, we owe it to them to create a world where they can be who they are, no questions asked and no apology necessary.

I met my future ex-husband when I was 21. We wed when I was in my mid-20′s – I was certain that what I needed to do with my life was to be a good wife & mother, and I had put all my energy into just that role. But after a few years, I realized that the cost was far too high; I had given up the core of who I was as an emotional, spiritual, and sexual woman in order to become what I was told that I should become. I made the very difficult choice to step out on my own, and eventually chose to end my marriage. My foray into the BDSM community started in earnest after my separation began, and it was there that I finally found some sense of sexual self esteem…followed by a sense of who I am as a complete, whole human being.

I cannot say that I would ever go back to what I had, or what I was supposed to have. But there are times that I look around and realize that the old training is still there, buried under the surface. The “what if’s” are like subtle echoes of ghosts walking through my home. What if I end up alone and unloved, because I never married or had children? What if I become gravely ill, and have no support? What if I never have another companion that shares my bed? What am I missing out on? The questions are dusty and dry; they blow through my mind like a dry wind across the desert, pulling the richness out of my experience of that moment.

I honestly do not know what will happen, or what I might have missed. I can only begin to imagine what my life as a married parent might have been like. I do not know what it is like to have a decades-long relationship with a life partner. But I do know that my life, right now, as it stands today, stands out in stark contrast to what I had before – I occasionally say that it’s like walking out of Dorothy’s black-and-white filmed house into a vibrantly technicolor Oz, full of lushness and brilliance. And I look around at the people in my life, and I know that while my family may not look like what it was “supposed to” look like, it is a group of people, both lovers and friends, that I am honored and astounded have chosen to be part of my life. And in my case, that’s the crux of it – my family is my family, and it is enough.

No, wait, it is more than enough – it is everything.

I’m proud of the people who did the right thing when their friends, family, and lovers came out, and supported & loved them not despite their queerness, but because it was a sign of tremendous trust and vulnerability for them to tell their truth.

I’m proud of the people that guard and treat queer people in rough situations – the homeless shelters that work with queer youth who have been kicked out of their homes, the people that understand that domestic violence knows no gender or orientation, the people that provide compassionate health care for trans people without judgement or bias, and the people who do the right thing to safeguard the lives of those around them.

I’m proud of every LGBT soldier who raised their voices long & loud to fight for the right to fight for their country. And I’m proud that they are now coming out in public so that each American can see how amazing, diverse, and devoted our military service people are.

I’m proud to see the faces of people who demand their right to have their relationship recognized by the government. I’m proud to see the words from churches around the nation that refuse to deny the right to have all marriages & loving unions blessed at their altars.

I’m proud to be consistently taught about what the lives of my friends and acquaintances are like, and to bear witness to their triumphs and struggles. I’m grateful each moment that they open up their pain & joy to share with others, in hopes that their experiences can help someone else.

I’m proud to identify as a queer woman. I’m grateful to every queer person that came out before me, because it’s those people who made it possible for me to live my life the way that I am. And I hope that for every person that comes out, the path gets a little bit easier…until there is no reason to fear speaking our truth.

Happy Pride.

What is vital in my life is the ability to create learning & growth opportunities for others while keeping my ego & expectations in check. I believe that being given the chance to help shape & change opinions by being in a place of power or fame is a sacred responsibility. I believe that, if you seek out or accept that power or fame, your ego has to take a back seat. It becomes a sacred act each time you speak. I believe that if you let ego overtake humility, your words become out of balance, and so does your sense of self. You push people away, rather than attract them. And if you push them far enough away, you have no hope of them hearing your truth.

What is also vital in my life is my sense of autonomy, my ability to choose my own path and my own fate. It’s a birthright for each of us, and while not all of us are able to be self supporting in the same ways, we all have the right – and the responsibility – to make our own choices. We also have the responsibility to live with the repercussions of those choices. One of the things I remember my first 12-step sponsor telling me is that I could do anything I wanted to…as long as I was willing to accept the consequences. And she was right.

I am able to give consent, or to withdraw it. Everyone is. Even if you think that you are prevented from doing so, you still have the RIGHT to do so. If your consent has been violated, call the cops, file a complaint, fight back, speak your truth. If it may have been an accident, then communicate with the person that you believe violated your consent. Tell them what they did, and why it crossed a line, and how you felt. And for goodness sake, use your voice before the fact to clearly state what is okay and what is not. A person who does not wish to harm you in any way can still do so if they do not know that their words or actions may cause you harm – and that’s especially true when you’re talking about sex. But if you say that something is okay, clearly and without undue influence, and later find out that it really wasn’t – speak up, and take responsibility for your own well being. I cannot read the minds of my partners, and unless they tell me that the boundary is close by or about to be crossed, I have zero hope of ensuring that I continue to be a responsible partner.

The best thing about being right where I am, at this very moment, is that I can act in ways that were not possible five years ago. I have learned more about myself and about what my path is. I’m better able to remove my own expectations from how that all turns out. I cannot be the Big Name Educator that others are; and you know, I’m pretty cool with that. Screw quantity of events, to hell with where on the list of presenters my name falls (or even if it’s there at all). What matters to me is that I’m still growing at this life thing, and while I’m here, I believe that my job is to help provide other people with the tools to do the same. With all my flaws, and all my failings, my greatest wish for my own life is that I remain teachable and accountable. And that is good enough for me.

My contributors copies of The Ultimate Guide to Kink, by Tristan Taormino, arrived on my doorstep today. Some of my writing is in there; my chapter is entitled “Whole Hand Sex” and starts on page 69 (yes, seriously!), and discusses the hows and whys of vaginal fisting. And while that is cool…what’s amazing and humbling to me is being included in a book with people who shaped the way I think about kink and sex, and the way I educate. Midori, who was one of the first educators I had an opportunity to see. Patrick Califia, whose writing was formative in both my pervy kinky ideas and in my concepts of sex, gender, and family. Laura Antoniou, who has been an example of intelligence and a wicked sense of humor for me since I first saw her reading from her work in Richmond, VA a dozen or so years ago. Tristan Taormino, a woman who, in a very real way, has shaped & created a path for me, and has supported me with her spirit, her tenacity, her business acumen, and her recommendations for years. And others. And more. And more.

If you have not purchased your copy yet, please do so. You can click here (in which case, I’ll make a quarter or so off of it). You can pick it up at any of The Pleasure Chest stores (NY got it first!). You can visit your local bookseller (preferably a locally-owned establishment). But do give it a peek. If you’re a newcomer to the world of kink, a jaded pervert, or somewhere in between, I guarantee you’ll find something in this book that you didn’t know, that you haven’t thought of, or that inspires you to take a risk and ask for what you want. And now that I have my copy, I’ll do the same…

This past weekend, I was invited to present the keynote speech at Colonial Kink in Williamsburg, Virginia. They asked that I speak on the topic of diversity in the kink / leather communities, and since it’s something that I’ve been doing a lot of listening, thinking, and conversing with friends & peers in the community, I was pleased to do so. I have had a couple of requests from people for the text of the speech, so here it is…I hope that you find it enjoyable – but more than that, I hope that you find it thought and conversation provoking.
A little over 22 years ago, I found a community that changed my life; it changed how I viewed the world, how I accepted myself, who I gave my time and energy to, and ultimately it developed me into the leatherwoman that stands before you today. It was not the BDSM or Leather community that I found at that time – it was the community of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I’ve found that the ideals (or the Twelve Steps & Traditions, for those of you that are familiar with those sorts of groups) have shaped how I perceive my role in the kink communities – and how I see my community of calling & choice as it relates to the world today.

First, let me give you a little bit of my own history. I am a relative newcomer to the kink community; I went to my first group, the Escape group, in Richmond VA in late summer 1998. The first play party that I ever attended was held just a month later. What I found there were people who were pretty much just like me – mostly white, mostly educated, mostly middle-class, and all of whom found out about the BDSM scene via the internet. I needed to see those people – I needed to feel like a part of a group, and not so different from the people around me in order to embrace my sexuality.

From there, I stepped out of my comfort zone, and met the members of CUFF in Charlottesville, and the members of Richmond Leather Club. What I found there were people who were not all like me – many identified as gay or queer, a few as transgender, some in long-term marriages, many parents, some who had been involved in the leather or kink communities for over a dozen years, and some who were even fresher faced than I was. And while those folks may not have looked like me, I found that we shared a common ground – we all loved and fucked in ways that were not what the folks down the street did, and we all just wanted to find space to be who we were, without explanation or apology. And most importantly for me, those were the people that I learned from.

We do not, as human beings, learn anything new until we begin to see things that we’re not familiar with and interact with people and situations that are outside of our own personal norms. And as people involved in the various sexual subcultures, we do not learn unless we step outside of our own sense of who and what we are about, and become exposed to different ways and different people.

Not all groups are diverse; that’s fine, if it’s the intent and the mission of the group. I believe firmly that each person has a right to safe & sacred space; if that means that you only play with people of your own gender or orientation, or that you have a group that you meet with that is exclusively for people who choose the same role or relationship structure that you choose, that’s ok. It is not my place – nor, do I think, it is anyone’s place – to override a group’s focus or mission. The danger for all of us in the community is that we often default to only gathering with people who are just like ourselves without ever looking at why our groups are limited, and whether it’s truly in the best interests of the group (and, by extension, the community).

As with individuals, a group that does not fully understand and seek clarity on what they are about and their purpose as a group will end up a sorry mish-mash of expectations with little future to grow and carry forward in the world as a whole. When we’re talking about people, we often tell them to look at what it is that they truly want to do, or feel called to do, and to create ways to make that happen. With a group, it’s a little harder – we have to do that same alignment of our mission on a group level, but we are all called upon as members of that group to check our own motives and expectations as well.

If our mission is to be open to anyone who has an interest in kink, are we hard to for someone with minimal access to the internet to find out about us? Can a person in a wheelchair gain access to the meeting? What about people who are surviving on a subsistence income – do we have ways that they can get to meetings via public transit, or can afford the cost of attendance? Do we put people who are in the minority in our groups – racially, sexually, or spiritually – in the position of being the token spokesperson for an entire group of people like them? For many groups who promise accessibility, those answers are no – and not because it is the groups intent, but simply due to ignorance of the challenges faced by, again, people who aren’t just like us.

And again – it’s not just our organizations, it’s ourselves. We expect everyone to use a scene name, on the assumption that they should be as anonymous as we are. We assume that everyone that we meet has a basic knowledge of safe play & safe sex, and knows their STI status. We believe ourselves to be more evolved than the “vanillas” are. We, as my friend Q the bootblack puts it, end up drinking our own kool-aid. We get comfortable on our thrones, and in our groups, and we don’t challenge our own assumptions – and with that, we stagnate, we are caught up preserving the status quo, and we eventually wither and walk away.

The principles that I mentioned earlier, the ones that AA embraces? One is that in order to have a healthy community, we must be united. It doesn’t matter if we identify as pansexual, queer, bondage aficionados, masters & slaves, bedroom players, or “all of the above”, we must step outside of our smaller groups and come together to share information, to learn, to grow, and to encourage the growth of other individuals & groups. One of my most valuable learning experiences in my early explorations in the community was attending the BDSM 101 series in Washington, sponsored by SigMa & Men of Discipline (both all male clubs) and Black Rose (a pansexual club). The people I met there – both the leaders and the other attendees – came from a huge variety of walks of life, and it taught me that there are so many ways that we can work together, despite our apparent differences, to reach a common goal.

Another AA principle is that we expect our leaders to act as trusted servants, and that they (and we) remember that the good of the organization is not always the good of the individual. I am sure that many of us have heard stories of someone who has used their position to their own advantage – the people who limit membership, hold information & access to groups & events hostage, encourage animosity between members, or just mismanage their role in their group to the detriment of others. Sadly, it happens, and one of the challenges of living in the leather & bdsm communities as responsible, consent driven people is having to stand up & speak out about such behavior. Often, the lack of diversity and the schisms that wedge us apart from each other can be laid at the feet of such abuses of power – and it’s our individual & collective responsibility to ensure that our leaders are responsible to all of their membership, as well as the community as a whole.

And, most importantly we want to remember AA’s 12th Tradition: Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. In an environment that deifies individuals based on roles and longevity, and one in which many people feel that there is something permissible and attractive about displays of such authority, we must consistently remember that it is the principles of the community that are important, not the individual egos.

We must dig deeper, in order to grow and thrive. We have to evaluate what our mission is, both as individuals and as members of the community, and whether we’re fulfilling that mission. And we must change. We must ask the hard questions, we must expect more from ourselves and from our organizations. We must, as the Mahatma Gandhi said, be the change that we want to see in the world. And when we find that, we have the right – no, the responsibility – to vote with our feet, with our money, with our energy, and with our passion. As activists, we have four things that we can do: We can accept it as it is, we can change ourselves to fit the role we must undertake, we can change the current structure, or we can walk away & create something new. The choice, as always, is yours.

This? This is the Pure Joy, an unusually-shaped glass toy with a flat base At 6.5″ insertable length, and with a 1.5″ width, it’s definitely filling; those who love girthier toys will enjoy this one.The design is very similar to some of the other bead / bubble shaped toys – a series of bubbles that flow smoothly into each other, giving your body lots of opportunity to tighten or relax around them & providing for some really amazing g-spot stimulation! (Unfortunately, my prostate-enabled co-tester was unavailable for this, but I’m guessing that he would have loved it – the gentle curve is fantastic for reaching deep inside). Anally, this is something that is definitely not a beginner toy, but if you’re used to using larger toys and love ripples (or your favorite set of larger anal beads), I’d give this a shot.

It has a base that can ostensibly be used with a harness, but I could not get it to fit & hold up well in my Spare Parts or my Aslan harnesses, as the weight of the toy pulled it too far forward for me to get the right aim – however, if you’re willing to support it with your hands or do shorter thrusts with it, it’ll likely work great for you!

I was personally not a huge fan of the bubbles for thrusting – I prefer a bit less of a bumpy ride than these offer – but an in-place, rocking motion hit my g-spot beautifully. It’s got enough girth at the top to really press against the g-spot, rather than “poking” at it like some toys with narrower or more pointed heads. I’d compare the sensations favorably with the larger head on the Pure Wand, and as I usually talk about in my g-spot classes, glass and metal are my two favorites for really getting the pressure that g- (and p-) spots love without the friction involved in other materials.

My one major complaint about this toy is the lack of information on the type of glass used. The box says “handmade” and “fracture resistant”, as well as that the glass is safe to boil & freeze – so my *guess* is that it’s shaped from a rod of borosilicate glass, but without that information, I cannot really feel 100% confident about that. As a result, I’m not going to do a heat sanitizing run on it as I’d do with other toys (I’m using antibacterial soap & water on this, which with a non-porous glass toy is sufficient for me to feel confident that it’s clean as a whistle). I’d love to see the type of glass listed on the packaging – maybe the folks at Joyful Pleasures can do that on their next product run?

All in all, it’s a lovely addition to my sex toy collection, and I’m not just saying that because it’s now sitting on my end table in my bedroom, looking lovely while it’s waiting for it’s next play session. Thanks, Garnet!

Recently, I have been inundated by electronic mail, “tweet” messages, and penned missives from ladies, gentlemen, and gentlequeers who are uncomfortable with the lack of etiquette guides for their sexual encounters. While I must admit, I do not have the ability to write a tome dedicated to the arts of mannerly love, I am pleased to offer a few simple considerations to ensure that your next intimate acts (or, “the making of the beast with two backs”, as you young people call it these days) are polite, mannerly, and will likely yield repeated invitations from your host.

1. Be clean and prepared. Be freshly bathed, avoid heavy perfumes or colognes, and make sure that your underthings are clean and attractive. Your guests would appreciate a well laid table; your lover would likely feel the same way.

2. Always bring a “host gift” of safer sex supplies. These can be arranged in a lovely basket, made into a centerpiece, or placed into a foil wrapped box to add charm and attractiveness to the gift. Not arriving with a gift of barriers is akin to showing up to dinner without any food to contribute – it’s rude, and it places the burden on your host, which shows a lack of courtesy on your part.

3. Always ask permission before you touch anything, or wait until it is offered to you. “May I wrap my hand around your penis?” is far more mannerly than simply doing so, and until you and your partner know each other well enough to have a greater understanding of their pleasures and comforts, a cautious approach is best.

4. A gracious host will understand that even the most careful guest will occasionally have an accident, or need to end the evening early due to physical weariness. Be prepared to respond to these situations in a manner that shows respect and compassion. A nearby damp cloth or a promise of a future engagement can often soothe the guests’ sense of discomfort.

5. Try a bit of everything offered (unless you are certain that it is not to your taste), and if you decide you don’t like it, simply say no and direct to the top selections on the menu. Compliment your host honestly; saying that you loved their cunnlingual techniques when you didn’t is dishonest and does not give them the necessary feedback required for them to adjust their entertainment skills. Far better to compliment the things that you did love, even if it’s the basics, such as that their bedding was highly comfortable or that their choice of lube was sublime.

6. Finally, thank you notes are quite important, even in more intimate engagements. Sending your host a brief letter or card describing your pleasure at their invitation and in their company, as well as perhaps inviting them to be your guest at some future time (if you should feel so motivated to engage in further intercourse with them, both social and physical), both shows you to be a guest that they would enjoy having back into their homes, as well as expresses the gratitude that you should certainly feel after having been invited to join with them for an intimate evening.

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