The Value of Lay Education
Earlier today while talking with an amazing writing colleague, I decided that a great way to describe non-professional sex educators would be to call them “Lay Educators”. While it was initially just going for the pun (and I, as a cunning linguist, must always go for the wordplay), today I’ve been thinking about just how important the concept of “Lay Education” is.
Let’s face it – most people will never walk into a class on how to use a condom, or how to stimulate a G-spot, or what the variety of sexual experience can look like. The majority of people will not get more than three or four books in their lifetime about sexuality, and only one or two of those books will be realistic and sex- and pleasure-positive. So who reaches those people? Friends. Relatives. Lovers. Coworkers. Ministers. In short – lots of people who have tremendous influence and are not professional sex educators. And those people wield a tremendous amount of influence.
Each of us can be an amazing sex educator. We may not ever have our name up on the list of the top ten non-fiction bestselling authors; we may not ever be invited to lecture at an Ivy League school or teach at a widely-known sex shop. We may never have more than 100 followers on Twitter, and may never blog or write about sex. But we have a chance on a regular basis to talk about sex and share our knowledge with others. When friends talk about why they can’t connect with their new partner in the bedroom like they want to, we can share what we know and suggest other resources. We can listen when someone we love talks about their frustrations over how their body doesn’t work the way they want, and we can help them find the nerve to talk to a doctor about it. We can let people know that it takes all kinds of sex to make the world go round, and chances are that even if they think they’re not normal, the chances are that they’re more average than they ever knew.
We can talk about our own truth – our exposures to STI’s, our failed sexual experiements, the ups and downs in our libido, our pregnancy scares, and our coming to terms with who we are as sexual beings. We can create safe space for our friends and family to share their own stories. We can laugh with them, cry with them, and hold their hands through the rough spots. We can give ourselves – and them – a chance to be real, and to identify with others about things that society tells us that we shouldn’t talk about.
And that doesn’t require a degree, or a business card, or a website. It requires a heart and a mind.
Letter to a young leatherwoman
Dear young, beautiful woman on the cusp of her leather walk:
Please, no matter what is said about the place of women (particularly of heterosexual women) in the traditional leather community, remember that we must live in the reality of the moment. There are voices that call for a return to segregation, a limiting of options, a re-defining of “who qualifies”. And for people who lived in our community as it was decimated by disease and invaded by the internet age, that is a real concern, a real challenge. It speaks to a desire for the “older days” – where there was limited access, a more closed community, and a grittier perspective of what leather was about. The problem is…we can’t go back.
Heterophobia is something that I have encountered in the mens community for a long time; even as recently as my run for IMsL in 2009, I had a few men turn their nose up at me when they found out I enjoy fucking men. However, there have ALWAYS been women who have been keys to the community – including bootblacks. One of the first women I knew in the community that had a national presence was Michael Anne, a past IMsBB; one of the next women I met was Mama Connie who is so highly respected that it’s not even believable. I met Vi Johnson in 1999, and that meeting changed my perspective in profound ways. Just hearing about Jo Arnone, Queen Cougar, Jill Carter, and Glenda Rider gave me shivers – to know that there were so many strong, active women for me to look up to. These are women that give to the community – and that are respected, treasured, and loved by thousands upon thousands.
Yes, there is an issue about using one’s name. I made the decision to use my legal name after about six months in the scene, and mostly due to the men in my leather club. Being a leatherperson is not something I am ashamed of, and I am in a position in my life where I do not have to worry about my name being linked to the community in a way that would be detrimental (no family, no kids, and many supportive friends). I would NEVER tell someone in those positions that they should not use a scene name, but I would ask them to consider the overall effect of a scene name when it comes to them reaching out to others. In some cases, let’s face it – it’s a detriment – but how much of one depends entirely on how each person handles it. Too many people treat this like an SCA or RenFaire environment – and that’s fine, but for so many of us it is the absolute opposite of our truth. Leather is about our lives, not about a role.
What makes someone welcome in the community? It’s their willingness to open their heart and mind. It’s their willingness to challenge their assumptions, and to be responsible for their words and actions. It’s their willingness to offer respect to other people, and to listen to their stories and learn from them. It’s their effort to follow the etiquette of the community, and to truly work to understand the why’s and wherefore’s of that etiquette. It is not to blindly follow; it’s not to just show up, fuck, and leave. It’s about who you are, how you live out your leather life. It’s about your ethics. It’s about your sense of service to the community, your willingness to step forward and do what needs to be done.
You, my sweet, are right there. You may not have the polish of someone who’s been bootblacking since God was a child, but you have the heart and mind of a leather woman, and THAT means that you are welcome. Beyond that – it means that you have a RIGHT to the place you hold in the community. And your work is important – and your work will pave the way for others. You cannot possibly do anything that could ruin the community. You can only add to it, with your knowledge, your love, your respect, and your spirit.
With love and respect,
Sarah
30 Days Without…
I usually give up something for Lent every year (obviously, I’m not quite as much of a lapsed Catholic as I thought). This year, I gave up F**mville. Yes, really. It was chewing tons of my time each day and I was letting it. I figured that taking a break from it would be good for me…and lo and behold, it was. I think I’ve spent a whopping two hours on it since Easter – and really feel little need to go back to it.
My new project for the year is to go 30 days without something and see how it works out for me. Currently, I’m off of sugar (refined & unrefined, but allowing myself to have fruit, agave, and “fake” sugars). I’m surprised at how my body is handling it – I feel much better than I did before and so far I’m actually dropping a few pounds, which is unexpected, after four months of working out consistently with zero weight loss, but welcome.
I’m finding it to be an exercise not only in mindfulness but in creativity. When your habit is to reach for the keyboard, or not pay attention to what the ingredients list says, you don’t have to think anymore – you just do it without any conscious consideration of the impact on your body and mind. The mindfulness I’ve experienced goes well beyond
And on my list for future 30 day withouts? Reading fiction (in order to focus on nourishing-for-my-brain nonfiction). Eating meat. Driving (that one is going to be HARD). Negative self-talk. Engaging in gossip or criticism. Things that will help me clear out some of the things that I know are blocking me; things that I suspect may be causing my life to be a little less healthy than it could be otherwise.
Then, perhaps, I’ll go for some 30 day “withs”.
15 Books Every Kinky Person Should Read
These are my BDSM / Leather / Kink “classics” … the ones I loan to others to read, the ones I still pick up to answer questions or to find inspiration. These books all came out either before I came into the leather community, or during my first few years…and while they certainly aren’t everyone’s “must read” list, they are my personal favorites. If you haven’t gotten to some of these titles, pick them up – they will round out your “basic” knowledge of the foundations of the alternative sexuality community. And while not everything that you will read here is as advanced or perhaps as relevant today as it was at the time of it’s writing, it’s helpful to a full understanding of where the community has traveled in the past half decade.
Basic Physical Technique:
-Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns – Phillip Miller & Molly Devon
-Learning The Ropes – Race Bannon
-The Topping Book & The Bottoming Book – Janet Hardy & Dossie Easton
-SM 101 – Jay Wiseman
Fiction:
-The Slave (and the rest of the Marketplace Series), Laura Antoniou
-The Sleeping Beauty Novels, Anne Rice (writing as A. N. Roquelaure)
History / Sociology
-Leatherfolk – Radical Sex, People, Power & Practice – Mark Thompson
-Coming to Power: Writing & Graphics on Lesbian S/M – SAMOIS
-Different Loving – Gloria Brame
-Urban Aboriginals – Geoff Mains
Relationships / Advice:
-The Leatherman’s Handbook - Larry Townsend & John Preston
-The Loving Dominant – John Warren & Libby Warren
-The Sexually Dominant Woman – Lady Green
-Miss Abernathy’s Concise Slave Training Manual – Christina Abernathy
(Note: these are linked to my Amazon affiliate account; if you choose to order through this, I will get a few cents commission. However, I *highly* recommend that you shop at your local bookshop, your favorite sex positive store, or your preferred BDSM book & merchandise vendor – without your support, these stores won’t exist, and as a community we need to keep them flourishing!)
Walk with me in Chicago on June 25!
Image from Simax105 on Flickr
I’ve decided, as part of my efforts to get my body moving more often, to do my first 5K walk on June 25 in Chicago. It’s called “Proud to Run 2011“, and includes both a 5K & 10K run as well as a 5K walk; it benefits the Pride Youth Program of LINKS as well as the Gerber/Hart Library. Registration is $25 – $30 depending on what course you plan to take, and registrants get a commemorative teeshirt (yay for teeshirts!).
I’d love to walk with a group of other kink positive folks – perhaps with everyone wearing a black teeshirt, or a leather pride flag… If anyone is interested, drop me an email or comment here and let me know. If there are enough people that want to, I’ll figure out a way to coordinate & meet up that Saturday morning.
I think it’s important that all of us who identify as a part of a sex positive community – whether it’s leather, kink, poly, or whatever – stand together to help raise funds for charities that seek to help other communities succeed. Whether you are able to participate in this event or not – please look for ways that you can support other parts of our alternative sexuality communities, and do so proudly!
(As a disclaimer: I am not in any way affiliated with this run, or any of the beneficiaries – it just looked like a great way to break my “organized walk” cherry along with being able to get funds to some worthwhile organizations)
Spreading herpes without symptoms – some hard numbers
So, for years, we’ve heard that it’s possible to spread Herpes Simplex Virus 2 (aka Genital Herpes) without being symptomatic – but a sizable number of attendees at my classes (as well as people who email me) have asked what the real risk of transmission is between HSV-2 positive people who have outbreaks and those who don’t. Researchers at the University of Washington just published the results of a study that clarifies just that. In short:
“Long, tough-to-tell story short, people with herpes that manifested with sores were twice as likely to shed contagious amounts of virus particles as infected people without symptoms. But in the study, which lasted about two months for each person, genital herpes virus was detected at least once in 68 percent of those free of symptoms. For symptomatic people the figure was 83 percent.”
Note that these people did not take Valacyclovir (a medication which helps prevent outbreaks for people who test positive for HSV-2), which will minimize transmission even further. And since the viral shedding was determined from genital swabs, and not by actual transmission, it does not take condom use into consideration. So, in a sense, they tested people who knew they were HSV-2 positive but were not on a medical regimen for treatment.
So what can we learn from this study? In short, knowing your status is key, because medication & barrier use can reduce the potential for transmitting it to others. If you are HSV-2 positive, talk with your doctor and take care of your body; Valacyclovir, coupled with stress reduction and overall health improvement, can better help your body deal with the virus. If you have a partner with HSV-2, encourage them to seek out medical treatment if appropriate, and take general precautions to avoid transmission. And know that even though many people feel shame (which is also reflected in most of the social information that we get about herpes), having HSV-2 is not a shameful state of being – simply one that requires that we evaluate our health, and negotiate with our lovers, from a point of strength and knowledge.
(The above quote was taken directly from Scott Hensley’s article for National Public Radio)
Manners for community leaders
1. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you – don’t talk shit in social media or mass emails about events, shops, or people that want you to work with them. Even if you think they’re out of their noggins, or they have iffy ethics, you’re better off not bitching about them publicly unless it’s a need for a community alert – in which case, you’re best off gathering your allies (and proof) before you put it out there.
2. Don’t ask someone else for their work in order to help you make a buck, unless you’re willing to pay them for it. This is like Microsoft asking Apple to give them their source code for one part of their OS without offering anything in exchange. Many people are happy to give out information to colleagues for free – but be mindful of what it means to ask for someone to share their work with you.
3. If you can’t find at least one positive thing to say about someone, keep your mouth shut.
4. Get beyond your own bias as much as possible. Stop using terms & concepts* that reinforce sexism, racism, ableism, gender & orientation judgments, and negativity towards people based on their sexual activities (or lack thereof). If you don’t know whether your words may be problematic, ask. If you’re corrected, accept it graciously & adjust your future behavior.
5. Just because someone is active in some part of the sex industry or is engaged in alternative relationships doesn’t mean that they’re interested in doing anything physical with you. Please use the same consideration & tact when communicating with them that you’d want someone to use with your younger sibling.
6. Stop begging for stuff for yourself. It gets old. Likewise, stop guilting your social network into donating money to a charity or political cause. And if you want to support a cause, check them out carefully before you add your name to the effort; you may be very surprised at what you find. Not every sex positive charity is doing good work in the world.
7. If your name is in the forefront, work in the background sometimes. It’s a great reminder of what the real work in the community is; activism is just as much (if not more so) about taking out the trash after an event as it is about giving the keynote.
8. If you’re going to try to speak for any part of any community, you’d best have a background in that community first. If you want to be a leader, spend some time learning the ropes. If you want to be an educator, you need to learn as much as you can and remain teachable. Anything else is a disservice to the people whose lives you’ll be touching – not to mention to yourself.
9. Cultural appropriation is real. Ask yourself where the symbols & techniques you’re using originated, and who used them before you found out about them. If you don’t know, then find out before you go out & use that technique or symbol again.
10. Honor your forebears. Give credit to the people that you learned from. Nobody got to where they are without help; remembering those that helped us and being grateful for it keeps us humble.
*Some of these terms that I’ve heard (and in some cases, been called out about thoughtlessly using) in the past few years: breeders, chicks with dicks, clean (as opposed to “STI negative”), crazy, fags, girls, hos, vanillas. While some problematic terms such as “slut” or “queer” are sometimes used in the sense of reclaiming them, be aware that the context & audience is most of what determines whether it’s positive or negative.
Revisiting the Reality Pool
Back in ’99, an essay entitled “Take a Dip in the Reality Pool” started making the rounds on the internet – and I, the impressionable cynic that I am, leapt for joy. I was fortunate to have seen this about the time that I realized that something about the concept of “twoo submission” rankled, and I am grateful that Screamer Girl wrote it & shared it. I’ve checked around in the bit of spare time that I have, looking for a current website for this article – but haven’t found it. I wanted to post the whole thing here, with her copyright intact, but since she starts it off with “Don’t even think about using this without my written permission”, I won’t. I will, however, give you a brief teaser from the article; I highly recommend giving it a read on this older site (yes, it’s in comic sans, and yes, you’ll have to highlight it to read it, but it’s worth it).
“14. You really don’t need another flogger. What you need is a new microwaves and a pair of hundred dollar tennis shoes for your teenager. Know when to say when to the toy bag.
30. Sometimes, a fuck is just a fuck. A beating is just a beating. And a kiss is just a kiss. Enjoy it, remember it, and move along.”
On the trial run…Pjur Power Cream Lube
In my quest (and yes, it’s a quest, folks) to find better lubes to recommend, I came across what might be the holy grail for butt play: a thick silicone lube. I have dreamed of one…and after whining about it online, my friends at MyPleasure sent me a complimentary jar of Pjur Power Cream to test out. So, without further ado, here are my thoughts:
Pros: Thick, and stays put where you put it. Awesome lube for all toys except silicone (because, as we remember, silicone lube & silicone toys don’t mix). Great for fingers in butts. A little dab’ll do ya!
Cons: Have to “dip in” to the jar to get lube, which increases the chances of cross-contamination. Formula has propylene glycol, which some people may find irritating to vaginas, as well as two preservatives to which some people are allergic. Doesn’t stay slick as long as thinner Pjur lubes do. My tester (who usually uses liquid silicone lube) did not like it as much for masturbation, as it required frequent re-application.
Conclusions: If you’re looking for a silicone based lube that will give you better results with anal toys, this is a great choice. This will be easier to apply than a drippier silicone lube, and has a bit more staying power. If you’re looking for a masturbation lube, there are other choices (especially if you like to go for a long time, or use a lot of thrusting / friction). If you own mostly (or only) silicone toys, this shouldn’t be used with any of them, so you may want to go with a water based lube instead.
Is Female Domination Anti-Feminist?
A big question that’s been going through my head lately is just how feminist the concept of female domination is. I have no conclusive answers, and I don’t even really have enough information to write much about it.
Some things I’ve pondered:
-Is the current fetish/BDSM image of the dominant woman primarly a response to the male gaze / men’s fantasies?
-Is female domination (in practice) mainly done at the service of men’s desires?
-What does a woman who internally prefers to be in the dominant role feel / model / do that is different from the more mainstream concepts of female domination?
-Do women who prefer to be in the dominant role find frustration when talking to other women about it? To men?
I’d really love your thoughts – as long as they’re not meanspirited or rude, post ‘em. If it goes into moderation (as most will), I’ll approve it as soon as I’m able.
