How To Not Suck at Online Dating

Posted by Sarah Sloane on Dec 19, 2015 in communication, How-to, relationships

So, I’ve been doing the online dating thing for over a year and a half now, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s pretty awesome. I’ve met some awesome folks (some of whom have become friends, some of whom I’ve had some (redacted) fun with, and some of whom I had some (redacted) fun with and have moved forward to having relationships with). However, I’ve come to the conclusion that there are a bunch of things that folks can do to be more successful at it, and so, in the interests of making your online dating better (and saving myself from having to read more cringe-worthy profiles and emails than I have to), here is my list of Shit That You Can Do To Make It Better:

1. Your profile photos should not include the following things: a photo of your chest, belly, and hips devoid of facial features; photos of you and groups of friends that don’t point out which person you are; photos of gorgeous scenery in some foreign place but do not include you (or a great story about that photo in the comments); photos of your cats, dogs, or kids. It should also go without saying that, unless your profile is on a site that is specifically made for sex hookups, definitely don’t include a photo of your genitalia.

2. Make the first move, but don’t be dumb about it. Read the entire profile. If it says “don’t send me a message that just says hi”, don’t do that. If it says “tell me why you want to connect with me”, do that. Avoid calling the recipient anything like “honey”, “baby”, “sweetheart”, “handsome”, “ladie”, “miss” or “mister”. Put your best foot forward. If you do not have a best foot, then figure out the best way to frame your not so good foot.

3. Repeat after me: you do not need to engage people who are not worth your time. Now repeat it again. Every time you get a message from someone who breaks one of your cardinal rules (see number two, above, for example), you do not owe them a reply. You don’t owe a reply to the person whose profile says that they’re cheating on their spouse if you aren’t up for that. You don’t owe a reply to anyone. It’s your damn profile, and it’s your damn time. Use it wisely.

4. If you are looking for casual sex, say so. If you’re looking for relationships only, say so. If you are monogamous, say so. If you’re a poly person, say so. Do not hesitate to ask for what you want. It makes life a lot easier.

5. Use grammar and spell check on your profile (and on your messages, if you have difficulty getting your point across). The more important intelligence is in a potential hook-up, the more important your profile and messages are. As an example, the person who said I was a “beutiful ladie” did not get a reply from me. Nor should they. You are allowed to not know how to write poetry, but you can at least take the extra two minutes to make sure that you’re not offending someone.

6. The thing that you think of as a limiting factor may be the thing that someone else sees as a quality feature. Let your freak flag fly a little. Total dork for video games? Don’t write three paragraphs about it, but do say that you’re proud to have the high score on Gyruss at that video arcade across town (uh, cuz I do, and my sweetie thinks it’s hot to watch me get my gamer groove on). Love going to Ren Faire? Put a photo up of yourself in garb (along with the other pics) and talk about how tasty any food is when it’s served on a stick and costs four times the gross national product of many small countries. Trust me, someone(s) out there are going to see that, and voila! A kindred soul connection can happen.

7. Use the improv concept of “yes, and!” as your guide with online conversations. Don’t just regurgitate information and answer questions. Ask questions of your own. Volunteer a piece of info about yourself. Be curious about the other person. Ask why they got a particular tattoo, or what they loved about the book that they said they read last, or whatever. Conversations fizzle when they’re one-directional, and they fizzle even faster when the conversation is solely about “what are you into”. Everyone wants to know that the other person is curious about them. Be curious, and expect curiosity.

8. It’s not the end of the world if you hear “no”. It’s not a referendum on your value as a person, a potential partner, a lover, or a friend. It’s just a “no”. And yeah, it feels super personal and can drain the air out of your balloon faster than most anything else, but it’s just a “no”. Shake it off, move on, and look for the “yes”. Because there are a lot of options for “yes” when we’re not hung up on the “no”.

I wish you luck in your online dating exploration. If you have great tips to pass along, drop ’em into the comments section!


Tuesday’s Toy: The “Lay Back & Be Lazy” special

Posted by Sarah Sloane on Aug 31, 2010 in How-to, Toys

Yesterday evening I was having dinner with friends in Chicago, and the discussion turned towards their ability to have sex in a real bed (post camping trip with a slightly leaky air mattress, which is not terribly conducive to energetic romps). After I suggested that doing so would be a dandy plan for their evening, one of them said something to the effect of…

“We can have sex, if you do all the work and I just get to lay there”.

Face it. We’ve all had those days. Amazing, sexy rockstars that we are, we still get tired, and lazy, and just want someone to Get It Done. And in honor of those moments, I’d like to introduce you to two of my favorite low-energy toys: the Gia and the Stroker X.

Gia is a delightful curved g-spot toy which hits the right places perfectly and comes with 7 vibration settings, so that you can get the perfect combo of throb and pulse to tickle your (or your partner’s) fancy – and with less effort!

Stroker X is a fantastic silicone masturbation sleeve that, coupled with your favorite water-based or oil-based lubes can make even the humble handjob into a very trip to Happy Funtime Land. If one of you has a little more energy, you can put your mouth over the end of it and create suction, while adding in a little tongue action to the head…talk about blowing their mind!

Gia retails at $44. Stroker X retails at $48. But if you order through me via email before September 15, I’ll give you BOTH of them for $75, plus shipping! Just call it my official show of support for lazy sex.


Tuesday’s Toy of the Week: The C-Sling

Posted by Sarah Sloane on Apr 27, 2010 in How-to, Toys

C SlingOh, my dears – what joy this cock sling can bring! Solo or partnered play gets a boost with this lovely silicone cock ring with an “extra added bonus”- the shelf goes underneath the scrotum and the tip presses or rubs against the perineum (depending on how active you are), so not only does it sustain larger erections & extend orgasm, it also gives some amazing stimulation to a very sensitive area.

100% silicone means it’s easy to clean – just wash it with soap and water or throw it in the dishwasher (yes! seriously!). Add a dab of your favorite water based lube to the inside of the ring before slipping your cock & balls through (balls first, one at a time, then cock – just like a traditional cock ring), and it’s easy to get on & off. And for those of you that like to enhance your package? You can wear it under your jeans to give you a decidedly “big” look!

Want to get this toy absolutely free? Easy! Host a party (catalog or in person) with me, and with just $400 in sales this baby is YOURS!


Earth Day Play…

Posted by Sarah Sloane on Apr 22, 2010 in How-to, Toys

What toys offer the least ecologically-damaging options for sexy, kinky play? How can you minimize your “sexual footprint”? Here are some ideas…

green grass

Stay away from phthalates & other chemicals that leach out of the toys into your body. Look for materials that pass the “sniff test” (if it smells like chemicals when you take it out of the package, guess what it’s probably made of?)
Look for items that don’t need batteries, or that have a long-lasting rechargeable battery – the money you save over years of use will be as impressive as the batteries that don’t end up used up & polluting the earth!
Use toys that are easily recycled when they’ve brought you all the pleasure they can, and need to be disposed of – glass, wood, and metal are amazing options.
Use lubes, body washes, and other sexy body products that incorporate organic materials; not only are they healthier for your body, they increase demand for organics and offer farmers a better standard of living from using lower-impact farming processes.
Keep your toys in their own bags or cases to save on wear and tear (like scuffing, cracking, or tearing). You can make your own inexpensive fabric bags out of old clothing (cut off & seamed up arms of shirts are awesome and take under 10 minutes to make), or you can invest in a variety of sexy cases. You can even hit up your local organizing & crafts shops for more ideas!
Like leather? So do I! But it’s not the healthiest thing for the earth; cattle use up a huge amount of resource and create tremendous waste, and some tanning processes use caustic chemicals that create even more of an environmental impact. You can lessen the impact by choosing vegetable tanned leathers, or you can go one better and get pre-used leather at the thrift store! A skirt can easily be cut apart to make a short flogger, and 15 year old chaps have almost zero difference in style to chaps made this year.
Buy quality. Yes, that rechargeable vibrator may cost 2 or 3 times more than it’s more cheaply made counterpart, but if it lasts you for 5-10 years (which is likely, with good care) and saves you the cost of replacing hundreds of batteries, it’s actually a better financial choice than the cheaper one.
Shop local. Buy from people and stores that give back to your community, as well as employ or support local residents. What goes around comes around, and the support of local business & consultants provides even more money at the local level to make positive change in your hometown.

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