The Myth of the Male Orgasm
Common wisdom about female orgasms a few dozen years ago was that women should be able to have them through penetration, with no additional stimulation – or they were frigid. So far, we seem to be well on our way to debunking that – most people understand that clitoral stimulation, or g-spot stimulation, or anal play, or vibrators, or other forms of stimulation are usually required in addition to (or even – gasp! – instead of) penetration. Sex education is about feminism, right? It’s about empowering women to have the sex lives they deserve. I get that.
The problem is that we have done wrong by men. We’ve developed the Cult of the Come Shot. Every guy is focused on busting a nut, and every guy can do it lots of ways, at any time…or he’s not really a man. He’s either fully functional sexually, or he’s got ED and therefore requires some chemical assistance in order to be a whole man. The problem is – for most guys, this isn’t reality.
One of the plus sides to being a sexually active, non-monogamous person who has sex with men is that I get to be privy to exactly how a variety of guys have sex. One of the down sides to being a sex educator is hearing how many people of all genders have deep, personal misconceptions about orgasms for men. The sad thing is how many of those misconceptions cause personal doubts about sexual behavior, self esteem issues, and relationship problems – and how rarely those misconceptions are addressed.
I’ve heard a lot of explanations from partners, often with a tinge of shame on their part. One guy I’ve had amazing sex with in the past said that usually, penetration and oral sex were “off the table” with partners; his problem, he believes, is that his circumcision wasn’t performed correctly and robbed him of much of the sensation. He gets off ok (if sometimes slowly) with his hands – but PIV sex & blow jobs aren’t going to do the job for him (or even, in some cases, give him enough sensation to maintain an erection).
And he’s not alone. I’ve been intimate with guys who can only orgasm in one position, and guys whose orgasms take a long time to work up to. I’ve been with guys who prefer to not use their cocks at all during sex, including forgoing all stimulation to their nether regions. I’ve been with guys whose ability to orgasm goes down as their stress levels go up. I’ve been with guys who go through weeks or months of not being “in the mood”.
You know what? NONE of that is inherently bad, or wrong, or “unmanly”. Just like we’ve all been preaching to women for the past 30 years, orgasms – and sexual pleasure – happen differently for each individual. Setting up an environment where men feel like they have to be sexual “on demand” is just as damaging and anti-feminist as inflicting those same expectations on women.
This also means that partners of men need to challenge their own expectations – and realize that the problems may not actually be problems. Often, we feel incompetent or not good enough when we don’t see the proof of our partner’s pleasure, and we may wonder if we’re sexy enough, or even if they are even turned on by us. Occasionally it ends up being a blame game on the guy – he must be getting his orgasms somewhere else, either by using porn, masturbating, or even cheating – and we get angry. We may even let it stop our conversations about what really feels good and intimate to us, as partners – and intimacy can slip into this nebulous place where we put the other things that don’t quite work and we don’t want to question.
Let’s start making room for these conversations in our relationships, and with our new partners. If we believe that sex should be about both people receiving pleasure, then finding out what pleasure actually means to each other should be at the start of that discussion, not an afterthought to be dredged up after expectations are not met. If guys aren’t orgasming the way they want, we need to support them in both checking in with their doctors to eliminate any physical reasons, and engage with them in things that do bring them pleasure without bogging down in unrealistic expectations.
Most of all, society could use a bit of a reality check: men don’t, by virtue of having a penis, always have the sexual response that we might imagine; and they do have the same right to their own health, pleasure and sexuality that we’re finally seeing women claim. The goal of sex positivity (at least for me) is that every person feel good about who they are, what their body does, and the pleasure that they can get from it – and if we don’t offer that to every person, regardless of their genitals, then we fail.
7 Responses to 'The Myth of the Male Orgasm'
Subscribe to comments with RSS or TrackBack to 'The Myth of the Male Orgasm'.
Thank you for this! As much as I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t care what my lovers have in their pants as long as we enjoy each other, it’s good to be reminded that that is not the be all and end all of sex.
Eric Satchwill
16 Dec 10 at 9:08 pm
Bravo to you for saying what needed to be said!
ShanaBound
16 Dec 10 at 9:23 pm
What an incredibly insightful post. As a diabetic, my body doesn’t always respond the way I would prefer, but I get as much pleasure from giving powerful orgasms to the women I’m with as I do from having my own. Some people have no idea what a rush it can be to have a woman, after having an explosive orgasm, look at you with wide eyes and ask, “Where did you learn THAT?!”, without her ever coming into contact with your penis.
Red_Welts
16 Dec 10 at 9:27 pm
Wonderful article. As a kinkster, I wish I had read this years ago and I’ve fortunately figured this out a while ago, but glad to finally see it somewhere else. The most important thing is that as long as your having fun and enjoying yourself and your partner, that’s all that matters.
EnigmaPOJ
17 Dec 10 at 2:58 pm
Hi Sarah,
This is my first time here at your blog (came from The Red Umbrella Diaries page), and I just want to say I appreciate this post very much. Thank you!
All best,
Emerald
Emerald
17 Dec 10 at 11:17 pm
Another first time visitor, but I found this to be really insightful. I love giving and receiving all kinds of sexual pleasure, including but not limited to the kind that involves my penis. But there are often expectations that sex ‘should’ go a certain way, and articles like yours help disabuse us of that notion. It’s nice to know your experience is as diverse as mine.
Kit OConnell
23 Dec 10 at 4:31 pm
Sarah,
Thank you so much for writing this article. My partner and I have been having very similar conversations to the above, but you summed it up more eloquently than I have in a million words.
As a sexually active male, I often feel pressure to be immediately erect whenever my partner is in the mood, and to have a definitive orgasm to top it all off. As you mention above, this isn’t always a reality and should not be a measure of the quality or ability of a sexual partner (or one’s own ability). My sexual needs, like my female partner’s, are varied and fluid, and I hate feeling the societal pressure to be “rock hard” and “throbbing” and to be expected to have a release at the end of a sexual experience. In the past, should these things fail to happen, I’ve been made to feel inadequate or it has been insinuated that my partner has felt inadequate: neither is the case!
I consider myself lucky to have found a partner with whom I can discuss these feelings (she’s the one who sent me the link to your blog) and things like your blog post are incredibly helpful to persons like myself and my partner. Thank you so much, again!
Best,
Mike
Mike
16 Feb 11 at 3:24 pm