Letter to a sex educator
Dear, beloved new educator (or not new, depending on who is reading this):
After doing this gig for over 10 years (though the last five have been the busiest), and after laughing, moaning, kvetching, rejoicing, and otherwise being very expressive about what I do, I thought I’d jot down a list of tips for you. Really, it’s for me to remember, but perhaps someone else can get some use out if it, as well.
1. Your ego will only get in your way. In order to truly educate, we need to build connection with the people that come to our classes. We can’t do that if we’re so full of ourselves that there’s no room for them.
2. You will have to promote yourself. For some of us, this is a deeply uncomfortable thing; for others, it comes as naturally as breathing. Finding a way to talk about your work that feels authentic to your core ideals and still gets the job done is more important than I can tell you.
3. People will want things from you. Some people will want your time, others will want your money, others will want you to do something for them (or with them, or to them). Some of them will expect it. Clarify your boundaries, and gently enforce them, otherwise you will get sucked dry.
4. Almost nobody makes a decent living from sex education of any kind. The people that are most successful with it find a way to make money in other ways; until our culture changes enough that sex education for adults is valued, most of us are going to have to “moonlight”. Find something that you can do alongside your education – something that enhances it, rather than detracts from it.
5. Expect to pay your dues. Freshly minted graduate degrees in sex education don’t promise you work; neither does the fact that you’ve taught at three local events. You will have to get out there, you will have to take gigs that don’t pay much (or at all) in order to get some references and build your skills. Acting like the world owes you opportunities will just push those same opportunities away.
6. Beware becoming a shell. Burnout is rampant, and almost a part of the process. Some educators take weeks or months off each year; others work themselves until they can’t do it anymore. Plan on feeling drained at some point, and plan ahead for what you’ll do to counteract it. Nourish relationships with others, especially those who do similar work. Maintain your own internal life (spiritual, emotional, and intellectual). Continue growing. Realize that you are responsible for doing what is right for you.
7. Keep your word. When you commit to teaching somewhere, keep that commitment if at all possible. If you fuck up, admit it and try to fix it. Humility and honesty are the touchstones of respect.
8. Question everything. Question your assumptions, your experience, your perspectives. Be open to criticism from students & peers. Consider whether the “good enough” has become the enemy of the “best we can do”. Question your privilege, your phobias, your normativity. Challenge the use of language, both your own and that of the world.
9. Let yourself develop in front of your student’s eyes. Often we feel like, in order to teach, we must be experts. On the contrary, teaching is an evolution in thought, in information, and in communication. When students see us grow, they understand growth as part of the process, and it can empower them to act from right where they are, without feeling like they don’t know enough.
10. Ask for what you need. Say “no” when you don’t get it. You are not being a diva if your needs include things like gas, tolls, lodging, or a fee. Just be prepared to hear “no” from the venue. Not every group has the same ability to pay, or beliefs about doing so. If possible, though, be flexible – sometimes you’ll find ways to work out the situation to everyone’s delight.
11. Remember thou art mortal. You are in a world that often responds to celebrity, even minor, limited-range celebrity, by building up pedestals and praising the people they put on them. Balancing the many compliments & ego strokes with the reminder that your underwear is just as dirty as everyone elses’ is key to maintaining your emotional equilibrium. Eventually, you’ll be off the pedestal – and if you forget the core of who you are as a human being, you’ll find it one of the most painful internal experiences ever.
12. Write down, right now, why you do this. It can be for lofty reasons, or even just because you want to get laid more – whatever it is, write it down. Remember it. Revisit it & modify it if necessary. And whatever you do – don’t forget it. Because some days, that’s what will get you out of bed, into the shower, out to the venue, and get you ready to educate and inspire in the way that only you can.
9 Responses to 'Letter to a sex educator'
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Thank you for this. As someone who is not an educator I still found much of what you wrote here very valuable. Especially #3. By the time the calendar party rolled around this year I was having burn out and made the decision to take the rest of the year off. I still did a few things here and there but overall I took a very much needed break.
This would make a good session at MOMENTUM. Just sayin
Diva
23 Dec 10 at 6:58 am
Absolutely excellent advice and informative even to promoters as well
Dov
23 Dec 10 at 11:11 am
So well said…with heart, honesty and realism. It’s important that people check their motivations regularly and that they are doing the work on themselves to be able to be in service to others. Thank you Sarah.
Amy Jo
23 Dec 10 at 1:20 pm
Great article!
I’ve been trying to figure out how to best “build connection with the people that come to our classes” – fetlife gets overwhelming and there’s only so much that’s possible between working full time and traveling most weekends :/
Thank you!
LqqkOut
23 Dec 10 at 3:22 pm
Absolutely spot on. I definitely want to place emphasis on connecting with others in the field — sometimes they are the only people keeping me sane and reminding me why I love what I do.
Thanks for this!
shanna katz
23 Dec 10 at 3:24 pm
LqqkOut – I think that connection is really built in person, when we speak and listen. I try to respond to emails and answer questions, and I use my blog, FB page, and Twitter to engage with people who come to my classes (or even those that I’ll never meet but who will find value in the topics I cover). Figuring out a way to balance what time you have available with what methods work best for you is a challenge. Personally? I think you should blog more. You have great stuff to say and more of us should get to hear it
Sarah Sloane
23 Dec 10 at 3:31 pm
This is excellent advice, and goes for many other fields, too, not just sex ed. I also agree that this would be a good presentation itself – there’s a lot to being a good educator, and outside of an actual education degree, most folks don’t get good info to help them. Even a few good tips can go a long way. Thankfully, I’ve had the opportunity to be involved in several “educate the educator” type seminars – especially helpful for folks just starting out. (my instructing background comes mostly from from music and martial arts).
Flechyr
23 Dec 10 at 4:25 pm
Thanks, Sarah, for sharing your wisdom. Much of this resonated for me. One thing I do in my workshops is tell attendees that I want to hear from them, and that I think I learn as much from them sometimes as they learn from me.
A new lesson I learned in the second half of 2010 is that while it can be exhilarating to present weekend after weekend at new events, tending the fires at home is important, even if you are home in the evenings during the week. If you are like me and have a paying full time weekday job in addition to your educational work, weekend time is where there is time for rest and real connection with partners. Without it, unwelcome surprises can happen and relationship crises happen.
And yes, this would definitely make a great Momentum session. Happy new year, friend!
Anita Wagner
28 Dec 10 at 4:33 pm
[...] for sex educatorsJanuary 12th, 2011 @ 6:34 pm I just found this excellent post on the website for sex educator Sarah [...]
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